1-Ply Must Die!

Ok, why do we as intelligent beings (yeah, I know I shouldn't speak for everyone) still make 1-ply toilet paper? What purpose does it serve? The day 2-ply toilet paper was invented; 1-ply should have ceased to exist. We are constantly moving forward when it comes to products we produce, making them faster, bigger, smaller, stronger, softer, harder, with wings, with Velcro, with tabs, more absorbent, more convenient, more compact, less bulky, less complicated, less weak, scented, unscented, quilted, textured, smooth...I could go on forever. Whatever the product, we're always trying to improve it, and once improved there is no back sliding allowed. What was the last product that you know that went back to an older model? I don't think Maytag is going to stop making washing machines and introduce a new line of washing boards. Ford isn't going to re-issue the model-T. Sony isn't going to bring back 8-track players. And I don't think the Atari is going to bring back the 2800. Do you catch my drift?

But 1-ply toilet paper continues to live on for some strange and annoying reason, why? Price would be what most people would say. I hate to point out that while 1-ply would be less wasteful if the same quantity was used most people use twice as much to wipe up. Hell, I hate 1-ply so much that if I’m in a situation where I have to use 1-ply, I use 3 times as much just to take away any cost saving that might have been gained by purchasing it in the first place! Damn right! Is 1-ply more practical? I don't think so. 1-ply is so weak that if you don't use half the roll, you end up poking your finger through it and up your ass hole. Now you have a sore ass hole and a smelly finger. And speaking of pain, the sand-paper like texture is certainly not kind to a sensitive sphincter or va-jay-jay.

Now I know some of you may want to point out that there is 3-ply toilet paper out there, so maybe 2-ply should also be extinct. Nope, I think that toilet paper has been perfected with 2-ply. I think 3-ply was invented as a marketing scheme to sell more toilet paper, taking advantage of our moving forward ever improving society. All products become perfected at some point, usually simply used items. Think about what toilet paper is; paper that we use to wipe excrement and discharge from our assholes and va-jay-jays. How complicated is that? Not very, therefore it is a pretty simple product to manufacture. Think of the important features of toilet paper, it's a small list, meaning that it would take very little time to perfect, and I think has been. 3-ply toilet paper is just excessive and unnecessary, what does it offer that 2-ply can't? Nothing. Sure it maybe thicker, but it doesn't need to be. 1-ply was too thin, 2-ply was thicker...this solves the problem, there doesn't need to be a 3-ply. 3-ply toilet paper is like putting 5 slices of cheese on a burger; sure it might taste good, but why not just have a grilled cheese. If you really think you need 3-ply, then there might be something wrong with you medically as vomiting through your ass is not normal.

In conclusion, until something significant comes along, can we all agree that 1-ply toilet paper must die? If they want to sell more toilet paper, start making it in all colors so people can coordinate it with their bathrooms…that would sell.

Uploaded 07/23/2008
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