I'm finally done being pissed off.  I was in this terrible relationship a couple of weeks ago that ended in embarressment and tears, and now I've moved on.  My friends hated him, my family hated him, and everything inbetween.  My dumbass, of course, didn't listen.  I gotta lot of ribbing from my guy friends about him and past exes, and some jokes from my very few girl friends.

I made up this list from past experiences, yes, I've gone out with more than one.  I'm just sick of it.

1.  He worries more about his clothes more than you do.  Example: "Do you think these pants make me look fat, or do you think that they round out my body perfectly?"

2.  He cares way too much what other people think, but tries not to show it.  Example:  "Oh my god, really?  They think that I'm gay?  Oh well, who gives a fuck?  (pause)  Well who said it?  What did they really say?  I don't really care because it's not true.  (pause)  So are you gonna tell me what they said or what?  Because I'm NOT GAY!"

3.  He's scared of things that crawl, slink, and creep, then totally expects you to get rid of the problem.  Example: "Eww!  Oh my god.  It's a (something creepy and/or crawly)  Eww!  I hate those things.  Honey, can you please get rid of it for me?  I don't want to touch it.  Those things give me the heeby jeebies.  (Yes, those were his exact words)  Eww!  Don't bring it near me!  Just kill it or something!" 

4.  He has very few friends, well actually, no friends at all.  Example:  It's a Saturday night.  "What do you mean you're going out with you're friends?  You went out with you're friends last weekend.  You promised you'd spend time with me.  (Awkward pause, usually because I cannot recall making any such promise as that, and he knew of my plans probably 4 days before hand.)  Well can't I just hang out with you and you're friends?  What do you mean that they don't like me?  Well what am I supposed to do, just sit at home and wait for you?  Well I don't have anybody to hang with this weekend."  This is usually ensued by him trying to track me down afterwards and crashing my fun time.

5.  He's so insecure about himself that he points out your flaws just to make himself feel better.  Example:  "Why do you wear pants like that?  It just makes your butt look bigger than it already is."  Or better yet.  "I love my eyes, they look so sensitive.  At least they look better than yours.  Yours look all slanty and funny looking.  Can you even see out of those things?"  (Afterwards I usually retort with, "Well I'm ASIAN!  I'm supposed to have SLANTY EYES!")  His reply?  Dare I put it down?  I think I shall.  "Well at least I don't look all Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or anything."  (YES, he did so go there!)

6:  He's way more insecure about hygiene than you are.  Example:  "Oh gross!  Look honey, I got some dirt underneath my nails.  Do you got something I can clean it out with?  Well quick, find me something.  That is so grody!"  Or better yet.  "God, I hate it when my hands get so rough.  Do you have any handcream?  What do you mean you don't use handcream?  Rough hands are so EWW!  How can you stand it?"

7.  You're stronger than him, bench more than him, and he can't handle it.  Example:  "Oh god honey, can you help me?  I can't move this dresser.  It's to heavy, and I want my room to look more feng shui-ish." (After I've moved the blasted thing, which was perfectly fine where it was before...)  "God honey, you look too muscular.  Do you have to wear wife beaters?  Can't you just quit working out?  What do you mean you're bound and determined to be able to pick up and carry your kids as long as you can?  For Chrissakes they're 6 and 4?  What do you mean that you're just built like that?  It's really embarressing that you have bigger muscles than me.  Can't you just quit lifting weights and running, just for me?"

8.  He worries more about his hair more than you do.  (This includes owning 10x more hair care things than you do.)  Example: "God!  Watch the hair!  Do you know how long it takes me to fix my hair like this?  Gawd, now I have to refix it again!  Can you hand me my brush, comb, mousse, hairspray, hair detangler, hair straightener and hair iron?"  (Yes, I am so serious about this.)

9.  Can't stand you're gay friends, even though you have a ton of them.  "You're hanging out with (insert gay friend's name) again?  Why do you even hang out with him?  Gawd, yeah I know you've been friends longer than dirt, but geez.  Well of course I don't want to hang out with you guys.  I don't want to be perceived as gay!  (Umm...i think it's a little too late for that buddy)

10.  The only kind of sex he'll even consider having is anal...and throws a tantrum because you won't give it up or do it to him!  I don't even want to give you guys the example for that.  Needless to say, we had a very sexless relationship.  What?!?!?  I'm not gonna do anal or recieve anal without getting my cobwebs cleaned out in the process either.  Don't hate.

And those are my 10 hints that I'm posting here, so that way I can look back on this, and make sure nobody pulls this kind of shit on me ever again.

In conclusion:   Watch out for these symptoms!  They are a sure sign that he is so GAY!  There's nothing wrong with being gay of course, just come out of the closet already!  Much love.