3 Tips For Making My Halloween More Enjoyable

There are many possibilities to consider when hanging up Halloween decorations.  One of the most important questions you can ask yourself is, Am I a giant pussy?  If you answered yes to this question, Ill save you a lot of time and effort now by telling you, you shouldnt be putting up Halloween decorations.  I realize that this is not something that you would like to hear, because you pussies all love decorating shit, but believe me, the delayed gratification of hanging up Christmas decoration (The day after Thanksgiving and not a day sooner.) will feel so much better than blowing your wad early on Halloween.  

Now Im going to go into some specifics here because just as every man in prison claims he is innocent, so too do you pussies claim to be hip.

Rule #1:
Christmas decorations are not Halloween Decorations:
I get it!  You fucking love Christmas!  You cant wait for it!  But its still 3 months out.  Thats a quarter of the year.  Just because you take Christmas lights and make them all orange or all purple doesnt make it a Halloween decoration.  Neither does making it all green.  For Christ sake green is a Christmas color!  What boggles my mind to the point of aneurysm is orange Halloween icicle lights.  Fucking icicle lights, really!?  That doesnt even make any sense.

Refrain from doing thing:

In case you didnt notice, this gaping vagina snuck in a Grinch decoration into the Halloween mix.  A Santa outfit is usually a good indication that its not a Halloween decoration.

Rule #2:
Halloween is supposed to be scary.
This one is simple enough, but theres a slippery-slope association that people do which usually results in a lawn littered with shitty blow-up dolls.  Vampires, frankenstiens, mummies, and ghosts are scary, right?  So since those characters are always scary, they will still be scary if I make them into cartooney blow-up dolls with giant smiles wishing everyone a Happy Halloween,  right? I dont think so, dumb-dumb.  Adding a cute element to a Halloween decoration is like multiplying by zero.  It will always cancel out.  Now some may argue that clowns will always be scary no matter what the context, and theres a certain truth to that.  But I think that my theory of cute Halloween decorations still holds up because there is no way to add a cute element to a clown.
Another way that people screw this one up is by leaving out the element of surprise.  Think of every scary movie youve ever seen.  The parts that scare you are the parts when they catch you off-guard.  It doesnt even have to be anything that scary, just a sudden loud noise, and a few frames of a scary face.  If your decorations can be seen with the naked eye from the International Space Station, there is no element of surprise.  Sometimes less is more.  I know that youre in a competition with your neighbor over who can have the most shit on their lawn for each holiday, but Halloween requires different tools.  How about trying out quality instead of quantity this year.

Rule #3:
If a Martha Stewart Decoration is spookier than yours, dont use it.

You should feel ashamed of yourself after witnessing the things Martha Stewart makes.  How gay am I for saying that I love this stuff that Martha Stewart makes?  She makes us all look like pussies.  Lets just leave it at that.

So do it right, or dont do it at all.  Each year, every Halloween decoration turns a little bit more into Christmas decorations.  The more Christmas decorations I see before Thanksgiving, the more depressed I get.  If I keep walking by your house in October and seeing terrible and cute decorations, I may have no other option than to go on a murderous rampage.  Its too bad you wont be alive to witness how truly terrifying your house will finally look.

Uploaded 10/10/2010
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