4 More Nights
VdubTurtle
Published
04/15/2013
I've got 4 more nights in this shit hole of a state called Florida before I move back to Chicago. I've been here for a year, and every second that I have to wait before I can leave and never look back feels like a lifetime. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you people here? There's not enough hours in the day or energy left in me to possibly list all of the reasons why this state should go fuck itself, and why you should never visit it. I'll just touch on a few things.
FLORIDA DRIVERS
Many years ago there was an invention called a "turn signal". It's usually located right about where your left hand holds the steering wheel. Sorry, I didn't mean to confuse you by putting right and left in the same sentence, in case you were also educated here. Anyways, when you push this turn signal device up or down it makes a light blink outside of your car. When this light blinks, it lets other drivers know when you plan on weaving in front of them with 6 inches of clearance while driving 80 mph on I-95. You're a bunch of assholes, fuck off.
WALMART, PUBLIX, WINN-DIXIE, FRESH MARKET, BASICALLY EVERY STORE HERE
Damn near every time that I go to the store I run into the same problem. These people are fucking idiots. Just because you decided to eat so much food that you now weigh 400 pounds, don't expect me to get out of your way while you're backing up in your scooter because you're too fat to turn your head and see if anyone's behind you. Fuck you fat bastards!
EMPLOYEES OF WALMART, PUBLIX, WINN-DIXIE, FRESH MARKET, BASICALLY EVERY STORE HERE
When there's 30 people in the check out line and 2 registers open, it might be a good idea to open up some more registers so that I don't have to stand there for 45 minutes to buy razor blades and milk while Shanekwa and Mercedes talk about their new weaves and 2 inch press on nails. Take care of your customers and talk about your ghetto bullshit on your on time. This fucking milks getting warm.
BANKS
Not counting the drive thru service I've only been inside my bank about 10 times. 4 or 5 of those 10 times I left shaking my head asking myself WTF? I won't go into details about all of the fuck ups, but one in particular really stands out. I was about to purchase a new vehicle and went to the bank to cash a personal check in the amount of $2,500 for a down payment. I showed my drivers license and a major credit card to prove my identity. They gave me the cash, I went to my vehicle, I thought all was good. As I'm backing out of the parking lot the bank teller comes running outside waving her arms for me to stop. I stopped, she then proceeds to ask me who I am and if I'm authorized to cash checks on this account. I said "You better hope so because you just handed me $2,500. Who the fuck do you think I am?" I'm pretty sure she was clueless as to what month it was. If you're foolish enough to move here, leave your money in your home state because these people handling your finances is an absolute nightmare.
I was going to touch on the terrible restaurants with rancid "fresh" seafood, shitty slow ass service, and waiting 25 minutes to bring me a fucking $9 beer. I was also going to bitch about the snakes, lizards, unkillable ants, 90 Degrees with humidity sweat your nuts off weather in January, and how every fucking thing in this state is worse than where you live now, so don't move here unless you're retarded.
On one hand I wish no harm to the crazy ass people who actually like it here and call it home. On the other, if a massive hurricane rips through Florida and pulls this entire fucking waste of space into the ocean I would laugh and smile. Nothing personal.
FLORIDA DRIVERS
Many years ago there was an invention called a "turn signal". It's usually located right about where your left hand holds the steering wheel. Sorry, I didn't mean to confuse you by putting right and left in the same sentence, in case you were also educated here. Anyways, when you push this turn signal device up or down it makes a light blink outside of your car. When this light blinks, it lets other drivers know when you plan on weaving in front of them with 6 inches of clearance while driving 80 mph on I-95. You're a bunch of assholes, fuck off.
WALMART, PUBLIX, WINN-DIXIE, FRESH MARKET, BASICALLY EVERY STORE HERE
Damn near every time that I go to the store I run into the same problem. These people are fucking idiots. Just because you decided to eat so much food that you now weigh 400 pounds, don't expect me to get out of your way while you're backing up in your scooter because you're too fat to turn your head and see if anyone's behind you. Fuck you fat bastards!
EMPLOYEES OF WALMART, PUBLIX, WINN-DIXIE, FRESH MARKET, BASICALLY EVERY STORE HERE
When there's 30 people in the check out line and 2 registers open, it might be a good idea to open up some more registers so that I don't have to stand there for 45 minutes to buy razor blades and milk while Shanekwa and Mercedes talk about their new weaves and 2 inch press on nails. Take care of your customers and talk about your ghetto bullshit on your on time. This fucking milks getting warm.
BANKS
Not counting the drive thru service I've only been inside my bank about 10 times. 4 or 5 of those 10 times I left shaking my head asking myself WTF? I won't go into details about all of the fuck ups, but one in particular really stands out. I was about to purchase a new vehicle and went to the bank to cash a personal check in the amount of $2,500 for a down payment. I showed my drivers license and a major credit card to prove my identity. They gave me the cash, I went to my vehicle, I thought all was good. As I'm backing out of the parking lot the bank teller comes running outside waving her arms for me to stop. I stopped, she then proceeds to ask me who I am and if I'm authorized to cash checks on this account. I said "You better hope so because you just handed me $2,500. Who the fuck do you think I am?" I'm pretty sure she was clueless as to what month it was. If you're foolish enough to move here, leave your money in your home state because these people handling your finances is an absolute nightmare.
I was going to touch on the terrible restaurants with rancid "fresh" seafood, shitty slow ass service, and waiting 25 minutes to bring me a fucking $9 beer. I was also going to bitch about the snakes, lizards, unkillable ants, 90 Degrees with humidity sweat your nuts off weather in January, and how every fucking thing in this state is worse than where you live now, so don't move here unless you're retarded.
On one hand I wish no harm to the crazy ass people who actually like it here and call it home. On the other, if a massive hurricane rips through Florida and pulls this entire fucking waste of space into the ocean I would laugh and smile. Nothing personal.
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