It's hard to save money, especially when we're always spending it on cigarettes and other things necessary for happiness. Still, that doesn't mean the shrewd consumer cant save a shiny penny every now and then. Here are some tips from the pros that will help you stretch those dollars and achieve a cheaper plane of existence.
5. Make your own glass
You wouldn't buy a new glass every time you wanted a drink of water, would you? Of course not. So why pay the premium price for a bottle of soda when all you have to do is take a trip down to the beach, fill up your car with as much FREE sand as you can carry, go home, heat up the furnace, sift through the sand for impurities, melt down the sand, temper the molten glass, shape it, cool it, and then bring your very own homemade bottle to the soda fountain?
4. Stop buying limited edition castoffable hentai resin figures imported from Japan
$149.63? Goddamn that's expensive. You could have sex for less than that. FYI, I only know about this stuff because I have a friend who's into it.
3. Double dip.
A single chip can support multiple dips, yet society forbids us from utilizing the chip to its maximum efficiency. Think about it: just one extra dip per chip eliminates chip costs by 50%! Limiting the number of potential uses for any item is moronic. What if you had to buy new pants every time the old ones got dirty? I'd be buying pants every five hours!
2. Don't brake when driving
Gas is expensive. You burn gas to make your car go. Every time you stop, your car has to burn more gas to make it go again. That is stupid. Eliminate waste by using every last joule of inertia. Not only will you be saving money, you'll also be saving the planet!
1. Kill yourself
Let's face it, the most expensive thing in life is life. For the ultimate low-maintenance lifestyle, just stop living. Nine out of ten economists agree that dead people spend considerably less than their animated counterparts. Kill yourself is available in several preparations, ranging from over-the-counter pills to home remedies that use everyday items around the house.