I woke up this morning at 7 a.m., hungry as a walrus since I hadn't eaten since 4 in the morning. I've been trying to cut back a little. I reach my huge, muscular arms up to the cabinet, ready to eat some of my favorite breakfast food: cake, poptarts, candy apples, and lard.
But wait! I had cake, poptarts, and candy apples, but I was missing my favorite ingredient, the lard. How could I make a breakfast parfait without Lard?! I had to high-tail it to Walmart before I starved to death.
So I get to Walmart, and there's this stupid old bitch in my motorized wheel chair. Says she's got palsy or some shit. Yea, right, like that's a real medical condition. I smacked her in the face with my gut, knocked her out of the wheelchair, and got in.
"Ecthcuusee mee," I said to the greeter, my jowls slightly hindering my speech, "where can I find delicousss lard?"
He gave me a weird look. Fucking idiot, he probably doesnt even know what Lard is. I try to run him down in my wheelchair, but he just moves outta the way. What a prick.
I started towards the frozen food section, hoping to at least find some lard popsicles, if I couldnt find a gallon jug. That's when I saw my gurlll StraightJacketGirl.
"Heyyy babby, " I started, "When you gnna take a ride on my erectrick wheelchair?" She looked so excited, so I let her sit in the basket up front. After all, I need my space.
I finally reached the frozen aisle and found my lard. I was ready for delicious breakfast parfait. So I get to the checkout, and everyone's staring at me. I felt so angry. It's not my fault I'm disabled! So I just give them all the finger and start rippin farts. This makes my bitch in the cart turn green with envy. Or somethin'.
And can you believe it? The whore at the checkout lane actually made me put my food on the conveyor belt. I remember a time when workers at stores actually HELPED their customers. I decided to write a letter to her manager.
So we start riding the cart back to my house. I like to keep them.
After a while, though, the cart just went to slow. That 110 pound bitch was slowing me down. I don't stand for that, so I pushed her off and road off into the sunset, ready to enjoy my breakfast parfait.