I like to consider myself as anti-social in many ways.  I never put any effort into hanging out with friends, in which I have very few, and neither are all that close.  I have only a few friends probably because I never put any effort into spending time or contacting them.   Maybe it's the bad experiences, or the lack of interest I have in other people's personal lives.  To this day I am still that weird kid who prefers to play by herself.  I'm too lost in my own thoughts, and don't like when they're interrupted with someone else's bullshit. I don't know. I just don't like people.  

I'm assuming this is why I don't understand why people who are not romantically involved feel the need to greet others, and especially strangers, with hugs.   I don't think it's fair to people like me, who wish to have the option of politely avoiding another person's out-going-ness.  Hugs to me are deeply intimate, and even a brief hug from even a friend is something that puts me on edge.  I can't help but feel uneasy about it.  I never initiate it, and I can never seem to tell who is most likely to approach me in that way.   The hugger can usually sense this, making it awkward for them as well... I sense their anxiety, and mine only gets worse.  It's awkward  and I wish people would stop it.  

My former boss gave me a hug one day.   Just walked right up and hugged me. I was so surprised that I even asked him "Are we doing a hug?" he said "yep" and that was the extent of the conversation.  I don't know why he hugged me, seeing as he's a hard-ass who I never suspected to be attracted to me in any way.  I wasn't having a bad day, and didn't have any need to be consoled.   It was just a fucked up thing that he did.  The other guys I work with explained that things like that have happened to them too, and just dismissed it saying that "Joe is just touchy-feely I guess".  This answer wasn't the least bit satisfying, and I'm still confused about it.   It wasn't a big deal, I just didn't get it. 

However, friendly kisses on the cheek is something that should stay among the Elite and European, because that shit is a big deal.   A hug is something I can do, and get over fairly quickly, like a hand shake, but not a peck on the cheek.  It's usually accompanied by a weirdo hug, which is where I assume the extent of the greeting takes place.   A kiss takes me totally off-guard.  I don't know if it's polite to kiss their cheek, as I've seen scenarios where people "casually" kiss each other, and where one person is the receiver and the other is not. Sometimes they take turns, sometimes it's a pretend kiss where they kiss the air beside their face.... I don't know. Way beyond my social skills and form of etiquette.  Again like the hug, it's awkward, they know I'm creeped out, and they too get creeped out... especially if my scrambling for an appropriate reaction which usually turns out to be an attempt to imitate whatever they just did.  It's always reluctant, and extremely ill-timed.  

I'm different.  I know I am.  Normal to me has no definition, and I'm quite happy just being myself.  Fucked in the head, in the harmless, more eclectic kind of fashion.  If I were any more social, I would try to find ways to politely show people who I am.  Letting myself go has been an option I've briefly fantasized about, but I figure people will still be out-going no matter what I do, and I'm not out to ruin that for anyone.  If there's a possibility that people will still want to hug me no matter how bad I smell, I'd rather not put myself through that.  

I love my husband, because he's like a more life-experienced version of myself.  He's been my mentor when it comes to dealing with society, and he's helped me in certain situations.  One thing he has mastered and passed down to me is Looking Miserable.  If you smile at people, they think you're nice, and may want to engage in idle chit chat, or molest... greet you.   On the other hand, if you look like you've had a shit day, and have nothing positive to talk about, people won't approach you.  Works like a charm, because you know who cares less about your problems than you do?  Everybody.  It's fail proof too.  If you encounter an extrovert of the compassionate variety, the only thing that could happen is that they ask you "What's wrong" to which you reply "Nah, just bullshit." and if they get all up in your grill about it, they can't rebut the all powerful "I really just don't want to talk about it - it's nothing."  

Unfortunately looking miserable, and flat out ignorance is all I got, and it doesn't repel all spontaneous hugs. I still get them from extended family when I go to their house or whatever.  You know the ones where they hug everyone in the room before you, and you know it's your turn soon, but wish it wasn't.  Yeah those.   I know what you're thinking, "They're family, they love you! Don't hate your relatives mmk?" Most of these people didn't even show up to my wedding or reception, so I wouldn't even call them family. They're just people I know through people who raised me, and to them I'm just someone they know through people they grew up with.  They may be close with one another, but I wouldn't say they're close with me.  Nothing wrong with that.   


To me, this type of salutation is borderline inappropriate unless it's coming from my husband, and then it is inappropriate in the sexy kind of way.   There has to be other people like me, and sometimes I wonder if even the instigator behind these attacks feels the same.  Maybe they just do it to be polite and show friendliness by just doing what other people find appropriate for that.  I wish there was a concrete indicator to for those feelings, so I can just say "No, thank you." and a mutual sense of comfort is felt from both parties.  I could always just go for the hand shake, but sometimes it's like they get offended, as if they were looking forward to holding me close to their bodies.... smelling my hair.... and thinking god knows what...  ick.  Or sometimes, thanks to black people, handshakes turn into hugs that you're practically yanked into. Although it's considered the most casual, and cool way to hug-greet someone, it's still a hug, and doesn't make me value my personal space any less. 

Now, I'm thinking of a way to end this blog.  And as I read through it, I've concluded that I put far too much thought into this kind of shit to be social, even if I wanted to be.  So I guess this concludes today's insight into my rather isolated mind.  You got to learn a little about me, and we didn't even have to make physical contact.  Now isn't that nice...