I used to be normal. Now, people tell me I've gone crazy...like clinically insane crazy. This is my story...
Life used to be great. This summer was the best one yet. I had a great job, a new car, tons of friends. I had more plans than I knew what to do with EVERY NIGHT. It was so great. Even my ex wanted us to be friends with benefits, which was even better.
At this point, I was hanging out with a different girl every night. I loved it. I never had this before, seeing as how I was a fat dorky kid most of my life, and I was tied down to a crazy, but sexy girl for 3 years. But the summer of '09 was so much different. I didn't have a care in the world. I voluntarily ended a pill addiction that I couldn't get rid of for years. I met this girl who I thought was THE WORLD. I was able to pull numbers from women like it was NOTHING.
I took vacations by myself for the first time, explored new places, met new people, learned new things. Every day I had some of the best weed to smoke. I didn't have to worry about money or anything. I would work most of the day, come home to order a steak dinner, get high as a kite, then call a random girl in my phone to come over and have fun with.
All this started to crumble on a cold July night...
Driving home from work, cops, hiding, on the lookout for suspicious people at the city border. I pass 8 mile, and three start following behind me. Why? Because people of light skin don't go across 8 Mile into Detroit. The only ones that do are the ones that are drug addicts, or drug dealers. I only work in the city...
My stupidity is to blame. I had a small nugget of weed in my pocket. I had a new car, so I figured they wouldn't pull me over. Everything was up to date as far as I knew. Next stoplight I come to, I hear "Pull over to the side of the road NOW!" It was the police. So, I pulled over. Why did they pull me over? I had rosary beads hanging from my rearview mirror, beads my brother put up when I let him use my car while I was on vacation. They asked for my papers, and sure enough, my luck ran out. My insurance expired the week before, and that gave them grounds to search my car.
He asked if I had any weapons or guns in the car, I told him No. So he told me to get out while he searched the car, and the second I got out, he immediatly searched me. Found the tiny piece of weed in my pocket, arrested me and took my car. The next day I got out, got my car out of the impound and tried to hold things together. The girl of my dreams stopped talking to me when I told her what happened. My ex, who I was just with on the side, no longer wanted anything to do with me. I couldn't call any other girls for the next two weeks as a fear of needing money for court, and I didn't want to go out wasting money on them. The steak dinners turned into Ramen Noodles and Mac and Cheese.
Two weeks later, court came, I hired a lawyer and everything. I got 1 year probation, reporting drug tests randomly, drug classes and I was told if I screw up ONE TIME, I would be thrown in jail for the remainder of my probation. So that means, if I end up in a bar fight on some random night and get arrested, I go to jail until August 2010. If I drop dirty ONE TIME, hello cell mates. I've never had ONE prior conviction or got into any trouble before this.
The first two months, it was bad. I started tattooing my body, I never used to like tattoos. I decided to get one for every month I am put on this probation. I stopped hanging out with friends, stopped talking to all the wonderful beautiful girls. I started working 11 hours a day instead of 7 to pay for all the court fees and fines.
Every morning, I have to call the drug testing department to see if they called my color which requires me to go in and pull my dick out in front of some old faggot and try to pee, and on top of that, pay $12 for it everytime. Can you say humiliating?
I thought I hit a turnaround in the beginning of October. I started losing weight from not smoking all the time, and I looked very good. I started hanging out with this girl who liked me but never would talk to me because I smoked weed all the time. Now, I was NEVER one of those stoners who didn't do anything, oh no, I would wake up, smoke, go to work, and it made me a better salesman. I would smoke all day long. It kept me calm, let me have a better sense of humor, it was relaxing none the less. So this girl and I started hanging out more often, becoming accustomed to eachother. She had a baby daddy and a little daughter. One wonderful weekend, I finally laid it down to her. The next day, she told her ex (baby daddy) and he didn't like the idea of it at ALL. So, we stopped talking.
Next Saturday, I was at home alone, my relatives were out of town and I stayed home that night and went to bed early. It was 2 AM, and all of a sudden I heard banging on my door, my phone was ringing constantly, I didn't know what was going on. I got up, grabbed my pistol, and went to the door to recognize a familiar face; her brother. I let him in seeing as how I knew him and we hung out quite often.
I opened the door, and BAM! He started hitting me in the face! I was half asleep and getting my ass whooped for NO reason by someone I knew. He stopped for a second and I asked him what was going on. He said "You know why! You should know better than to say that to my family!" Say what...??? Seconds later, my backdoor gets kicked in. By who? Her ex boyfriend, who is nearly 7 feet tall and plays college football. Both beat me down to a bloody mess. They grabbed my gun, went outside to dump it, and I grabbed the phone to call police. They came back in, beat me down, and then cops showed up. They arrested them, and when they asked why they did it, it was because someone sent the ex boyfriend a message saying it was from me, even though it wasn't my number.
So I went to the hospital, got patched up, had to get my lip re-attached seeing as how they practically destroyed it. Come to find out, I had a heart attack too. Im only 21 years old. Thats pretty fucked up if you ask me.
The doctor gave me a prescription for the drugs I had quit over the summer. Great. Time to get addicted. AGAIN. I lost money for not being able to work, I am in debt for the hospital visit. The two weeks I had to take off work made me gain all my original weight back. November was a hard month for me. I now have insomnia due to the fuckers that broke into my house unexpectedly, paranoia, I dont know who to trust, and I feel so distant and alone. I was violated...badly.
December came along and soon it was my birthday. I have a large family, and only 5 people called to wish me a happy birthday. No cake, no presents, nothing. Just, Happy Birthday. No problem... I can live with that.
During these months, Ive fell for a girl I dont even know, and I even tattooed her initials on my arm, and then tattooed her name on my arm. I don't think its crazy, but some people do. I just can't help but to find something so pleasant from just looking at her pictures. She doesn't know me, she has never saw my face. She is married with children. I know Ill never be with her, I just want to know her.
Because I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore, I go to strip clubs to find whores to fuck. Though I am not allowed to drink, as my probation officer says, I still do. I hate drinking though. Cheap taquila and sluts. What a turn around of what I used to have just a few months ago. I am stuck working 60+ hours a week in this hell of a city. Trapped. I cant quit, because I wouldnt be able to afford my bills. I cant look for another job because I work all hours of daylight. I cant move becuase probation forbids me to go anywhere out of state.
My happy and positive attitude has faded away. Im now an asshole who is selfish in some ways. I still think about the girl of my dreams everyday, the one who I met over the summer. I have 3 friends, one of them has joined the military at the begininng of the summer. The other best friend just got married, and I no longer see him. The third best friend works a crazy schedule just like me, and we are lucky to hang out 2-3 times a month.
I have become trapped, alone, distant, confused, paranoid, scared, and worst of all, crazy. Much more stuff has happened to me that makes me hate my life. I went to the casino the other day, this lady was playing on two slot machines. I sat in the machine she was playing, unknowingly, and she said she had money in both machines. So I got up, and sat one more spot over. Two spins later, she hit the progressive jackpot. I could have had that if she wasn't being greedy and would have let me sit at the empty machine.
Its like no matter what I do, I always lose now. I dont know why this has happened, or what caused this to happen. I was always was a fairly good person, never screwed anyone over or did anyone wrong. Just last week, two people broke into my house and tried to steal everything thats worth anything. Luckily, I have a nosy neighbor that reported this to the police and they caught the guys. Becuase of this break in shit happening AGAIN in less than 3 months apart, I say "Hello" again to my good friend, Insomnia.
Like I said, it seems like no matter what I do, I can't get ahead. I wish I was able to go to church, but I work every Sunday. I haven't had a Sunday off since the summer. I havent been able to find a single girl for the life of me.
My typical day starts out with me waking up, call the probation hotline, get in the shower, and deal with disrespectful people for 11 hours a day. I was never racist, but I fear I have become racist from working in an urban area for too long. I get off work, go home, and watch some TV. I then try to go to bed around midnight, but I actually just toss and turn. No more do I have women in my bed, no... it is now a loaded 12 guage shotgun. I usually fall asleep around 3-5 AM, and I can only sleep until 8:30 am because I have to get up for work.
When I go out places with friends (which happens occassionally), I get all ready, everyone gets in their car, I get in mine, and as soon as I get in my car, I drive away and call them and tell them I dont feel like going. I cant stop this from happening and I dont know why I am like that. Its happened plenty of times. If I do go out though, it is solely by myself. I sometimes will go out to the pool hall, and shoot pool all by myself. Same thing with the bowling alley, or any other place I might happen to wonder. When I tell people this, they begin to feel sorry for me for being such a loner. But I feel there is nothing else I could do. People that I know would understand me more if they read this, but Im posting on here becuase I dont want people to understand me. I think most people are bastard coated bastards with bastard filling. Its hard to see the "good" in people when you cant see it in yourself.
Every day, I look in the mirror, see the scars across my face, and still deal with killer headaches because of those bastards beating me down. Im not going to be completely healed for at least another 6-12 months.
Well, there it is. So if you are still reading, tell me... have I gone crazy? Can anyone relate to my situation? And if so, what did you do to get out of it? As far as Im concerned, calling my life a "FAIL" would be proper and accetable right now. I have 211 more days left on my probation, and every day I reflect back on my life and think, "Every day seems to be the same, but when you look back, so much has changed"
And please, don't leave negative comments. If you do, your just showing your a hater, which is fine but I dont care to deal with any of you at this point. I just needed to vent and see if someone maybe has any type of advice that could work for me. Im not looking for sympathy. Im just lost.