Am I the greatest farmer alive!?


My job requires me to spend a lot of time with animals. Being a farmer I often developed relationships with my cattle. I have been married for about 5 years now and we are expecting our first child next very shortly.

That being said...

Last night I was standing around on my porch with my wife saying goodnight and finishing up my last beer. Earlier in the evening I observed a very nice looking young cow heading to the grazing area wearing a shiny new cowbell. This cow was probably a strong 7 if not an 8 (no it's not the beer talking, since i had only had about 4 beers the whole night). The cow must have been about 6 years old, brown and ready to party. A few trips near the fence to eat my corn cob reinforced my theory that she was in the partying mood.

A few minutes after I hung up my farming tools I polished off my last beer of the evening and headed into the barn. right behind me was the "very nice looking" cow, completely full. Her cow bell was ringing and she let out a moo as I pet her leathery skin. When I say she was full, I mean udders hanging to the ground ready for daddy to milk, full. As we walked into the Barn, she stands right next to me.

I close the doors and start using my pitch fork to get her some hay. As I put the hay down in front of her she turns to me and says in the sweetest most innocent voice, "Moo."

I can't begin to describe the conflict that went on in my head for the next thirty seconds between the 1st and 2nd feedings. Do I take the chance, bang the shit out of her and betray my wife's trust and possibly ruin any relationship with my unborn son if my wife were to somehow find out? Or, do I just take advantage of the situation and make this full cow do some fucked up shit and take pictures? Or, do I play the good guy and tell her that I am married and simply walk away?

“Moo?" she said.

I turned to her and simply told her... I ain't got no more hay for tonight Bessy. I actually had a whole stack left however. I don't know what came over me. Maybe my moral compass has finally started to point in the right direction. Maybe I'm finally growing up and acting like a married man. I have to tell you that even last year if this would have happened I probably would have at least gone the route of making her do some fucked up shit while I take pictures if not hit that shit right there in the barn.

I have come to the realization that had I not done the "good guy" move, the night would have ended up like a real life version of Babe and I would be trying to find a way to kill an animal I have deep love for. But that's the way my luck goes.

I could have easily told this cow I had another serving for her and fucked that shit six way to Sunday, but I know that I did the right thing.

This probably won't be the most popular decision for the readers on but I had to get it out of my head.

P.S. I also shot a Mexican by accident today, I think it was my neighbors gardener. Might have to move out of state anyways. Also I need to Google a state where interspecies marriage is legal.

Uploaded 06/24/2008
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