"aspeaka" is not a word.

I don't necessarily mind when I get the calls at work that begin with "you aspeaka spanish?", but I do get pretty annoyed when I say no and they keep talking and talking and talking in their native tongue. And I keep on saying "No spanish, I don't understand you". But the thing that drives me fucking nuts is when we get the guys who call over and over and over, just to talk shit and waste time, because they have nothing better to do with their time. We have one caller in particular who has plagued us with his loneliness for a few months now.

 I'll admit that the people who have worked as bookers here and I, as well as my boss, have had quite a bit of fun with these guys. We even have have catagories for them.

Like the telewhackers, who call us while masturbating. We often endure it for a minute or two, maybe talk dirty back to them, then put my boss on the line who asks if he wants to play the touch penises game or if our friendly masturbater would like to suck his huge cock. They usually stammer and hang up. Of course, the call back because they know a woman is gonna pick up, but if my boss picks up the phone enough times, they give up and move onto some other poor woman.

Then there's the ones who call and just breathe heavily. When we know it's them, we usually just start breathing back. Nothing too interesting there.

But the really interesting ones are the angry clients demanding a refund. They are relentless in their pursuit to get back their $150 that they want to spend on a blowjob elsewhere. One of the first guys we had when our company first opened made life rather enjoyable, he evened played along to an extent. My boss told him he was going to take his money and use it to put out a cd, then he was going to buy front row tickets for our disgruntled client and sing "Feelings" to him. Then my boss proceeds to sing "Feelings" to him and ended the conversation by asking if he thought American Idol would accept him as a candidate. Minutes later, disgruntled client called back singing to my boss.

But our most recent douchebag caller spends about 30 minutes everynight on the phone with us. Thank God for him that he blocks his number, or we might be tempted to do the unethical and post his number on a Gay website. Our fantastically ghetto friend likes to refer to us as "dirty whores" and wants to speak to "that faggot" who we call our boss. He curses and spews words that make no sense because he often puts and a on each end of the words. Examples include "You need to a-take-a a shower, you stupid bitch", "I'm gonna a-shove-a my cock up your ass", and the popular "Hey, you dirty fuckin slut, a-put-a your fuckin faggot boss on the phone." Yes, senor douchebag does like to keep it interesting. How could he possibly be so bored and lonely? I'm glad he has free nights and weekends on his cell plan because I could only imagine how much money he'd be wasting otherwise if he had to pay for all those calls. He really ought to invest in a blow up doll. Then he could talk all the shit he wanted and not have to keep calling back after we hang up on him AND he could actually carry out his threats of jamming his wee wee down our throats.

Uploaded 05/15/2009
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