Some of you peeps know I love comedy spoofs, satire, and the like, and also have my share of favorite comedians. Many of their greatest bits go beyond stand-up to me and right into amusing, factual snippets on life, its lessons, and insane, dumb fucking people.
Apparently the comedic wisdom means so much to some, they literally get disturbed at straining to guess certain connotations when I volunteer uplifting quotes for the board at work - which only serves as a testament to a true comedy expert's prowess behind a mic.
One of my favored comedians is Lewis Black, the topical/social comic known for his many faux-breakdown/angered rant antics. You've probably seen him from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart during his "Back in Black" segment, or have spotted his show, The Root of All Evil, on Comedy Central.
But his best talent is in his stand-up programs, of which he has more than a few of to date. He's become a regular staple in my up-in-the-morning/drive-to-work routine lately, and below, just a few of his many epic bits are highlighted:
Well, we just finished the busiest shopping weekend of the year, and despite an economy that's in the toilet, Americans are still buying a lot of crap. Me, I avoid the crowd and catalogue shop. And nothing says you care and you're cheap like the Lillian Vernon Catalogue!
Where else can you get your own monogrammed booze globe? It's a sure-fire way to get your teenager interested in geography! And how about a personalized "king of the remote" pillow? It's like they say: "King of the remote, jester of the bedroom"!
Or maybe mom will love this: a hot-pink toolbox! What better way to say "I love you" but I think you're a lesbian.
Well, if the economy isn't hurting you, you definitely want to shop from the Neiman Marcus catalogue. Where for $75,000, they'll turn you into an action figure! Seventy-five hundred bucks! Tell you what, you keep the action figure, and I'll blow myself up with firecrackers!
And hey, does your loved one like over-priced plaid? Well, why don't you buy her the Neiman Marcus custom Burberry London taxicab! I hear it handles like a woman's raincoat! And here's a taxi-cab confession: you're an idiot!
Ok, let's say you have more money than God, and you need to buy him a present? Well you want to do all your shopping from the Robb Report: the magazine for the luxury lifestyle. Look at this stuff! A carte' mink-lined watch for $27,000. It's for the consumer that says "you know, I like telling time, but sometimes it's just not cruel enough!"
The Robb Report offers private jets, rare cars, and even this ten million dollar 24 carat diamond gold necklace for her! Are you really that horny? I know a place where ten million dollars will get you laid 1 million times! Jon?
12/02 The Daily Show with Jon Stewart; "Christmas for the Rich"
You know what they would do? They would come to my elementary school with films to show me how to protect myself from a nuclear FUCK holocaust. They would show this giant nuclear-fucking-bomb just blowing the shit out of everything. Goats and monkeys flying everywhere. The windows of the elementary school blown out, the teacher BANGED up against the fucking blackboard! But there were the children... hiding safely under their desks.
2004 - Black on Broadway; HBO
The Super Bowl...Pepsi kicks off their ad campaign then... Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone has drank enough Pepsi and Coke during their lifetime you could PISS IT for a week. So what are they doing?... Just send us a coupon, "Here's 10 dollars, buy our shit!"
When was the last time you had a Coke, they had a Pepsi ad on and thought to yourself - "Maybe I'm wrong? I've been getting my sugar the wrong way".
When was the last time you went to a restaurant, asked for a Pepsi, they went, "Oh, we only serve Coke" and you went: "Well, FUCK YOU! What kind of a dump is this? Well, listen, FUCKNUTS, I'm going across the street, down to Buckets of Shit! That's right, Buckets of Shit! I know the food's lousy, but they serve a COKE!"
Pepsi did this advertisement at the Super Bowl this year... it's the most staggering piece of advertising I've ever seen in my life. It's the one with Britney Spears... comes out and starts singin' about Pepsi, but you don't know what she's singing, cuz she can't fucking SING. So what you have is this:
titty, titty, titty, titty, titty, titty, titty...
ass, ass, ass...
Titty, titty, titty, titty, titty, titty, titty...
ass, ass, titty, titty, ass...
Right after titty, titty, ass, they cut - to a giant billboard. On it, a huge, giant, BIG Pepsi bottle, biggest one you'll ever see, EVER. Top pops off, fireworks shoot into the night sky!
... and we know what that is, don't we? That, my friends, is an ejaculation. I know because I've had a few. There may not have been colors, but a man can dream.
That would have been enough. But then things get strange. They cut, to Robert Dole... I thought it was another ad, but no! Robert Dole is watching Britney Spears, too. And he's not even in a house! He's in a bunker somewhere... far away from Elizabeth.
He's got a weird smile on his face, and what makes it worse, is that he's watchin' it - with his DOG!! And then he turns to the dog, and says, "Easy big fella... huh huh huh", like he's holdin' the dog's dick or something!
I felt unclean after I watched that. Had to shower and everything.
2002 - The End of the Universe