"Blame it all on my roots, I showed up in boots..."

"...And ruined your black tie affair. The last one to know, the last one to show, I was the last one you thought you'd see there!" I stood on a bar stool shouting-not singing, shouting-these words as Garth rang out over the bar speakers. I wasn't drunk, just buzzed. 3 Amber Bochs, half a Stella Artois (which tastes like day-old bacon marinading in gym socks, I'll have you know!), a rolling rock, and an Amber ale (the bartender ran out of Amber Boch and who am I to turn down a free beer?). Really not that much to drink over a 5 hour period. But enough to come up with a stupid plan and put said plan into motion.

I decided to pierce my nose. Thank God my nipples are already done, I can only imagine how this might have played out otherwise. I didn't do the piercing itself. I had a friend do it; she's done her own piercings, so I trusted her. I thought it would be a good idea to get drunk so I wouldn't feel the pain. So I had 4 shots of Rum and 4 shots of Jack Daniels. I'm not one of those fantastic people who can hold their alcohol. At 104lbs, I get drunk rather easily. Anywho, back to the madness. A girlfriend of mine comes over and we find everything we need: Rubbing alcohol, a needle, an earring, witnesses, and someone to videotape it all.

My friend held my hands so I wouldn't be able to freak out too badly and we began. My mexican roommate laughing, my stoner cousin videotaping, my boyfriend oblivious to what I was doing, his friend holding my hands, the girl piercing my nose, and myself, channeling Katherine Heigl from "Knocked up" as she gives birth ("Oh my God, I feel it, it hurts so much, I feel everything!) and screaming like a girl. When I'm sober, I focus all my strength on fighting the pain and being as quiet as possible. Goddamned alcohol... Oh, and the rubbing alcohol got split on my boyfriends coffee table. HIS BEAUTIFUL BLACK COFFEE TABLE. The lacquer is fucked up. I vaguely remember what happened after that...

But luckily for me, my roommates were nice enough to fill me in the next morning! I started vomiting in small piles around the house and my boyfriend tossed me in the shower to wash the vomit off of me. I freaked out and said horrible things to him and started punching and kicking him. He had to put my drunk ass in a choke hold just to get me to stop. Somewhere in there, probably when I was throwing my horrible punches, I sprained my left wrist. Good times. The best part? In the midst of all this alcohol infused calamity, the piercing fell out and the hole closed. I should have just spent the $20 and had a professional do it. Maybe i'l upload the video on here so you guys can enjoy my shame.

My name is Nox and I am a world class asshole.

Uploaded 06/30/2009
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