Buck up, Men!

I fucking hate these sorry excuses for male babes these days...

You can't pick up a magazine or pass by a fashion/style/entertainment article, blog, or advertisement without seeing one of these douchebags or any one of a legion of their wannabes splashed all over the page.

Dry, common, empty, assembly-line hunks churned out of Hollywood, TV, or the mainstream music scene to be plastered everywhere else with their hipster clothing, douchebag facial hair, and dumb fucking empty expressions.

Half the time you're not even sure who the fuck it is you're looking at, or why in the hell they have a 4 page spread on this asshole in the first place - 'til they happen to mention in the second to last paragraph of an unenlightening interview the douche has a bit part on some crappy TV show here, was fluke-cast in some semi-lucrative box office phase of a movie there, or is one of those non-unique dumbasses with a guitar that has some shitty, pussy acoustic song on the radio no one will remember in two years anyway.

Fabio on a vegetable-oil-spread commercial at fucking 60 years old is more stirring to me than most of these rejects, the worst of which I've had to put up with through my youth and even today, feeling weird when other girls would swoon and wondering if my lack of interest constituted lesbianism. But at last, I may put them in the place they deserve most in my book, listed for all to see as a few of the ugliest and/or most useless contributions to western media through the years:

Josh Hartnett

Shitty actor, shitty movies, and a shitty excuse for a Brad Pitt wannabe. The barely-there mustache hardly makes up for the whole squinty-eye/bushy eyebrow deal he's got going. Is that supposed to be mysterious and sexy or something? Cuz the only mystery I see is how this guy gets work.

Vincent Gallo

A couple of Sundance Channel movies doesn't make you the king of Indie film, dude. And STOP trying to play bad boys, criminals, and mafioso roles - it's not passing with the audience. You're fucking ugly and don't scare anybody, anyway - your lines make my grandmother wanna jump through the screen and beat your sorry ass.

Chris Pine

A complete disgrace to the Federation, I'd rather fuck William Shatner AND sit through a serenade of all his cover hits, including Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds.

Leonardo DiCaprio

I can't help but groan anytime I hear this guy's in a new movie. Why? Cuz I honestly don't consider him that good of a fucking actor. The ONLY role that ever got my respect was from The Basketball Diaries, but even then it was more due to a great script, filming, being able to behold the experience and beautiful poetry of Jim Carroll, and the fact that it was pretty much one of thee great drug films of my generation many of us could sadly relate to, which made it an epic film and placed DiCaprio on the map as an o.k. actor at best.

Then a few years later he decides to gain about 60 lbs., go uber-action with roles, slicks his hair back, and walks around with purposely-squinted eyes, more than likely to give the impression he's akin to acting greats like Jack Nicholson or Nick Nolte. In the meantime, he still ain't 60 and won't be good-looking then if now is any indication, his acting is still as dry as the fucking Mojave, and now has gotten himself uglier in the process.

Mark Wahlberg

Speaking of The Basketball Diaries, here's another contender for the list of loser hunks. To this day, I have no fucking clue how in the hell this guy gets any iota of work at all. Most times you get boy bands that attract a shit ton of little girls, fade away into nothing by the time said girls are all around 15, and then get laughed at mercilessly for the rest of their lives. This dude was the brother of one of these boy band members, and even started a group of his own: Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch.

Not only did that gig as a fake-ass wigger fail miserably, but he continued the bad boy act for years, eventually landing minor roles in films by the mid-90's, where his facade suddenly changed to Guido. The acting suffered horribly thanks to his macho man strut and sad attempt at sounding like he was a L.I. Italian - but then he got another role, and another, and eventually sucked M. Night Shyamalan's dick for one of his first serious adult parts in one of Shyamalan's series of shitty flops. Unfortunately for most of us, we're not sure if some khaki pants and his dropping of the fake accent is better or worse.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar

Your typical WASPy, rich, empty-headed douche playing the same on one of the biggest, shittiest, teen TV shows ever conceived, perpetrating a legion of kids across the country to spend their school days judging others who were small-statured, Jewish, poor, nerdy, introverted, shy, overweight, quiet, or just didn't like khaki pants from the Gap.

I wanted to kill this little fucker from the minute I saw him on-screen, along with the rest of the annoying cast, and their Principal. And I still want to kill them now, even though they're all fat, pregnant, out of work, or trying to obtain a new sense of character in the hopes of redeeming themselves. Like most of the big men on campus, it's fortunate to know they get hit pretty hard when real life turns out to be something else entirely - that goes for on camera, too.  Maybe he can come out with a porn vid, or get his ass handed to him on a reality show like his buddy Dustin Diamond - or when he hits 50 , there's always life insurance commercials.

So buck up, men - don't be fooled by the latest Calvin Klein model or slighted when some caterpillar-eyebrowed hunk sends your woman a sultry stare from an underwear ad or red carpet event photo; most chicks aren't appeased by it any more than you would be. Besides, if I, for one, would probably rather see you on the cover of GQ, you have permission to honestly believe there's some hope for ya out there...
Uploaded 07/24/2011
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