can you help me steal a car?

can anyone actually steal a car for me?


I woke up this morning to the sound of a car alarm.

Now I am not the most congenial of people in the morning to start with.

In fact before I have a cup of coffee , the chance of hearing anything other than a "grrrrr" or some other type of moan or grunt is few and far between.

I am a night owl , hence me writing a shitty blog at 12:20 am.

So back to the alarm.

This shit is loud. And not normal loud , its  like

insane loud.

It has a rythmic wooop wooop weeeee ooooop quality.

Hmm, sounds like R2D2 having sex.

Anyhoo , I walk out side in my pj bottoms and wife beater.

Just to give you ladies a visual that will leave you moist.

Im a giver.

So , as some of you may know I did concrete and brick work over the weekend , and I have not fully cleaned up as I am quite the procrasinator.

Anyhoo , I step first on a broken brick barefooted.

I said "fuck" so loud my neighbors must have thought it was day I didn't  have the kids.

I hobbled back to my front door only to step on a piece of rebarb that was left over from framing a box for the bricks.

I actually teared up.

As I am wiping the tear from my eye , my blood started to boil.

To the point I was ready to grab a sledgehammer and bash my neighbors car into oblivion.

But I said , think good thoughts.

Put on a nice pot of Hazelnut and read the New York Post

and start my day.

Well , I am out of coffee.

As a single parent and only adult living in my home, I actually cursed at my lazy ass for putting and empty container of coffee back in the freezer.

I mean who can I yell at?

My 5 year old isn't making pots of coffee for his play  dates.

Although that would explain him pouring an entire bottle

of my expensive shampoo into the toilet the other day.


"Daddy look bubbles."

Hmm. Wow. Jay I am going to now show you stars.

So I get the kids up and ready for school.

I can't get them out of the car quick enough.

I literally am doing like 85 to get to 7-11 for coffee.

(Thats safe in deaf kid zone right?)

Now the 7-11 that frequent is very nice , they all know me.

Everyday , my paper and a pack of Parliaments await my arrival. Which is so convenient when you are trying to quit smoking.

Well there is a kid that works there that is a bit slow.

And he isn't really a kid , he is 40.


But he acts like a kid. Ok , get it?

So every morning I chat with him to be nice and shoot the shit.

Well this morning as I was pouring my coffee , he was loading the ice chest directly behind the coffee stand , and managed to turn the handtruck around at the same moment I was smelling the pot. (Don't ask , I have severe OCD issues with public food)

The handle hits the pot and I am now wearing hazlenut clothing.

Why does a burn feel cold at first? I don't know either.

Anyhoo , I just stood there like a deer in the headlights , wanting to do nothing more than pick up this mildy retarted man and put him in the dumpster.

But I didn't.

I instead slowly poured another cup of coffee and sauntered up to the counter. Where the gentleman from I think Eygpt says "your wet" in the most annoying voice I have ever heard.

I love when people point out the obvious. Forget the 2nd degree burns and the steam coming from my chest, lets focus on the damp shirt and soiled pj pants.

The manager was kind enough to give me my smokes and coffee gratis. Wow , no lawsuit now.

I mean hell , I will pick up the skingraph charges , just give me the $5 smokes and $1 coffee and will call it even.


I at this point know I cannot work today , I am way too pissed off and my clients would suffer from my demeanor. You can tell if I am in a good mood by going there first.

So I say screw it , im playing hooky.

I have some brickwork to finish and I will head to Home Depot.

So off to Home Depot.

I walk in and go right to the garden center and grab the 10 bricks I need to cut and head to the register.

I am met by an employee who asks if I need any help.

"So you doing some brick work ..huh?"

Wrong day for stupid questions my orange vested friend.

No , I replied , I am putting on a Karate Demonstration and needed a few more bricks for a brick breaking demonstration.

"Really?" He replies.

Ok , I'll bite.

Yes I am 5th degree Ninjitsu warrior from the Orient.


Yes , now if you could show me to your Ax section.....

I just walked away disgusted.

What cracks me up about Home Depot , is all the orange vested people that swear they are carpenters , but don't know shit. A clue for all you folks , an employee at Home Depot , maybe makes $10 an hour , a carpenter $40.

Do the math. Would a fucking Surgeon walk around CVS on his off time saying "you should really go with this cold medication?"

No. Please don't listen to them.

So I arrive home to the sound of the piercing alarm.

I am a this point fit to be tied.

And my poor neighbor is a cop and working the night shift.

And he is standing in his front yard just staring at the car as well.

Now before you think I am being a baby , let me prefece this by telling you this is not the first , or second or third time this has happened in the past month.

So I go inside and grab pen and paper and start to construct probably the filthiest note ever written by human hands. The only line I can repeat I think without offending is Dear Neighbor. It pretty much goes downhill from there.


I summed it all up by saying , that no one wants to steal his old ghetto ass circa. 70's corvette with velor interior.

I then proceed to walk to his home and shove it in his screen door.

I feel better. I will now go home and take a nice nap.


Nowhere in my home is safe from the shreiking sound of his alarm.

I try to watch to tv , and I am forced to use closed captioning because I cannot hear my tv.

Do you have any idea , how frustrating it is to watch porn with closed captioning?

You feel like the whole plot is lost.

So the day drags on. I make a formal complaint with the police . I felt prickish doing it , but what am I going to do?

My kids get home from camp.

My head at this point is throbbing like you cannot believe.

My daughter walks in with three of her girlfriends.

She then informs me that since next week is her concert debut at camp , they are going to practice their songs until they get it just right.

So out comes 3 clarinents and a violin.


Its her first big concert , what am I going to do?

So to go along with the lovely alarm sound , I have a song being played at about the highest volume I have ever heard. It sounds like multiple cats being probed with a dildo with nails in it.

Ok , now from the top again.

I am now trying to poke my eardrums out.


Skip ahead to 6 pm , my lovely neighbor comes home and about 10 minutes later , there is a knock at my door.

Its this pencil necked geek , staring at me through tri-focals.

"So my alarm really bothered you , huh?"

I almost punched him in his throat.

"Look" he says. There is no need for nasty notes being put on my door.


Really I say. Then what would grab your attention , because I thought of smashing your windows and hitting the kill switch on the alarm , but thought the note was nice compromise.

He had nothing to say.

Get the fuck off my porch.

I don't think I have been this heated in quite sometime.

So that was my day , how was yours?



Uploaded 07/31/2008
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