Cheap Women and Cold Beer Part 2

Unquestionably, beer has enjoyed remarkable popularity with casual drinkers over the recent years. Major breweries continually enjoy outstanding sales numbers from year to year and vie to reach out to beer-haters with exciting new products (Editor's note: this last statement is highly questionable). Microbreweries are thriving and hold steady in an unprecedented number. With an equal number of imports, micros are finding their ways into clubs and bars, standing shoulder to shoulder (or "bottle to bottle") with staple American brews. Anymore, it seems that there is a beer for everyone...

...Or is there? Cheap gimmicks seem the order of the day. For a brief while, it was American beers which were suplemented with additives such as taurine and ginsing. Eventually, some bright spark decided to cash in on America's collective alcoholism AND the growing popularity of energy drinks, offering "beers" such as Sparks. While these beverages might make the average drinker vomit in their mouths a little, they remain popular with partiers and people who like the greasy, sugary taste in their mouths as they savor their hangover.

But, worry not, the future is bright! Brewers are remaining vigilant in finding new ways to corner elusive demographics. While this may not be of interest to the average connisseur, these companies are targeting the sex-drives of the desperate and ugly.

Firstly, it is well known that drinkers are individuals who either:

A) Hate themselves

B) Want to meet (and subsequently bang) members of the opposite sex

C) Have real alcohol addiction

If you identified with group B, you are among 90% of all drinkers.

The act of sponsoring "mixer events" has been a staple of breweries, but that does not quite tow the line in terms of capturing the female "wine" demographic. Despite their efforts, Busch's 'Thong-a-Thon', Coor's televised mud-wrestling championship, and New Belgium's 'Pants-less Spring Break 08' have proven to be abysmal failures. Little hope is had for Samuel Adam's 'Wet Vagina Festival', coming in summer 2009. These shortcomings have been found to not be the fault of advertisers, but of the products themselves. With this in mind, several companies are supplementing thier lines with new, appealing beers engineered to enslave the palates of picky women.

A common complaint amongst many is that American beer is too watery. Now that Anheuser-Busch has been bought out by the Belgian InBev company, popularity must be maintained and they plan to enhance their product line in order to bring more women to the clubs. InBev's newest beer combines what women seek the most: alcohol and chocolate. 'Mochabrew' is their new beverage which is brewed not in water, but in pure chocolate and corn syrup. The finished product is described as a cross between a Godiva chocolate bar, a fifth of Grey Goose, and two roofies. "Mochabrew promises to find popularity amongst the skankiest of women. Additionally, it will most definitely increase the female presence in all clubs, as it will only be sold at bars and restaurants, and not at liquor or grocery stores. This will prove to be beneficial to the local economies as well as to ugly, unappealing men", says Paul Desclee, InBev Brewmaster. 

A few hundred miles to the south-east, Swiss brewer Brasserie de la Côte is taking things a bit further...

Höschendieb is being touted as the beer of the future. Targeting the negative aspects associated with drinking, Brasserie de la Côte has taken advantage of Switzerland's liberal drug laws in order to hone a beer which promises little hangover, no "beer-goggles", and absolute retention of physical and psychological control. What wonder drug has offered such a beer? Speed. There is a shit ton of speed in it. However, women will respond with favorably as speed greatly increases the libido of females. Unfortunately, males have shown to react with outstanding amounts of aggressiveness. An EU fact-finding team was formed in late 2008 to investigate the true effects of Höschendieb, namely to address the allegation that the beer was a "rape-cocktail". At the time of this article, the team has failed to produce substantial proof of their claims. Helmut VonKolsen, owner of Brasserie de la Côte, has allegedly accused the UN team of being "Cock-blocks". Regardless of the UN's findings, Höschendieb will not find it's way to American shores due to the beer's narcotic composition.

Lastly, Pabst has announced their newest beer; while not brewed expressly for women, it is intended to aid the drinker in meeting women. The yet-unnamed beer is understood to be a six-pack of classic Pabst Blue Ribbon that includes a vial of ether and a pair of latex gloves. When reached for comment, Brewmaster Mark Korst declined to comment on how the "promotional" products were intended to be used. Unlike the EU's investigation to Höschendieb, the American government seems to be fine with the new Pabst beer.

Love, Dan & Dirty

Uploaded 01/17/2009
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