There was a time in my life when I dated a Jew.

But she was MY hot little Jew, Yahwehdammit. I was 16, she was 15, perky little rack, an absolutely EXQUISITE ass, and the kind of girl whose horns were holding up her halo. In other words, she had me completely pussywhipped.

Unfortunately, her parents were so Jewish that they made other Jews look anti-semitic.

To put things into perspective, this is the conversation I had with her mom and dad when I first met them:

DAD: So, Matt, are you Jewish?
NON-JEW: Uh.... no, I'm Catholic.
DAD: Mmmhmm. And your last name sounds Italian, if I'm not mistaken.
NON-JEW: Yeah, that's right.
DAD: Sounds like we're going to be having some problems.


That was another thing about her dad. He was even shorter than I am (I'm 5"7), extremely soft-spoken, and twice as skinny as I was (I was 135 lbs. then). He was the kind of guy who you knew you could kick the ever-living shit out of him, but he still terrified the hell out of you because he was just TOO quiet. I had no idea if he was plotting something horrible, or what.

This is why I would always check my lox and bagels for arsenic. The man frightened me.

But I must have done SOMETHING right at some point, because I received an invitation to their youngest daughter's Bat Mitzvah. At long last, I was considered Jewish enough to attend their daughter's Bat Mitzvah. I was giddy with excitement as my parents drove me to her house.

Maybe they'd even let me wear that cool little beanie. Those things ruled hard.

Standing on her front porch, palms sweaty with anticipation, I rang the doorbell. I could swear I heard Hava Nagila playing somewhere. The door opened and.....


That's when I had the fastest erection I've ever had.


My girlfriend, in the hottest form-fitting dress I've ever seen, showing just the right amount of cleavage and wearing GLASSES, jumped on me and began to eat my face. If there's one thing that turns me on, it's bespectacled hotties with cock on the brain. I was standing at full attention in a record 7.5 seconds. I had to have her.

"We need to go to your room." I breathed.
"What? But-"
"NOW!!"
"Matt, we're leaving in less than 10 minutes." She frowned.

It was agony. My jinglebone and wondertwins were ready to explode in a white whirlwind of fury, and I had to stand there and listen to my four-eyed vixen tell me that I couldn't even pull off a quickie with her.

"PLEEEEEASE!?" I whined.
"Maybe later." She smirked.

Oh God. I couldn't take it.

"Excuse me, I have to use the little boy's room." I muttered as I teleported to the bathroom.

10 minutes? With the way my magenta mushroom was throbbing, I knew it would be easy. I had to rub one out quick, or else I would end up dry-humping the girl on the way to the car. And even then, I was smart enough to know that wouldn't be kosher.

Belt undone, I didn't even take the time to drop my trousers. I dumped some lotion on my hand and proceeded to whack off right then and there in my girlfriend's bathroom.


*fwap fwap fwap* those glasses, and that DRESS, oh God....
*fwap fwap fwap* maybe she's wearing a thong underneath, OH JESUS....
*fwapfwapfwapfwapfwap* almost there.... those lips.... those TITS..... THAT ASS..... OHHHHHH-OH-SHALOM!!


My balls emptied, and I saw Stars of David. I had successfully soothed my throbbing blood sword in less than two minutes. But wait.... something didn't feel right.


Oh shit.


A dark spot was spreading over my groin. I had completely forgotten that unleashing a load of man-juice into a pair of khakis would show through.

Oh, fuck my tight pink little asshole, it was starting to run down my leg. Of all the times to have a super-spunk, it had to be then.... I had to do something. I ran over to the sink and turned the water on full-blast. Just as I had hoped, water sprayed all over my pants and shirt. I began to frantically rub the water onto my pants. I would make it out of this one yet!

For added effect, I even swore loudly.

"AWWWWWWW, FUCK ME!!" I bellowed.


Sure enough, somebody heard my cries.
Sure enough, the door swung open because the lock didn't work.
Sure enough, it was my girlfriend's father standing in the doorway.
Sure enough, I had forgotten to put the lotion away. Sure enough, a picture of his youngest daughter's 7th grade picture was sitting on the sink right in front of me.

And sure enough, my belt was still undone.


Awkward silence echoed throughout the household. Still rubbing the water onto my balls, I could only say what any teenager would say in such a situation - those 6 magical words that we so foolishly believe will solve everything:



"It's not what it looks like."




Tiny men can scream real loud.