china looses 2008 olympic games

The Olympics ended Sunday. Thank goodness. I don't know if I could handle much more. How many Olympiads will it take before the rest of the world realizes the overall theme of the spirit of the games? (You can't beat the United States of America — duh.)

Call me a spoiled sport, but some of the events at the Olympics just aren't sports, nor are they entertaining to watch. Sure, they all involve possessing some level of skill, but medaling in badminton is sort of like majoring in basket weaving — you're an expert at something the majority of the world only thinks about when they want to make fun of something else.

After what seemed like swimming event after swimming event after running event after gymnastic event after swimming event, we got to see the USA basketball team hammer everyone they played, a few good BMX wipeouts, and an interesting volleyball match or two. Not to discredit the athletes in over events in any way — what they do is admirable and requires an extremely high level of athleticism — but there's a reason ESPN doesn't regularly show any of these events. Face it, the majority of Olympic events are sort of boring.

And who even knows if half of the athletes who compete are legitimately competing with all of the controversy surrounding doping and forged ages. Jim Caple, of ESPN, really shed some light on this aspect of the games in his recent column, and I must give him props for his sarcastic but bluntly honest and true commentary.

Sure, China can act all high-and-mighty about winning the most gold medals if it wants. However, purporting this so-called "fact" is nothing but straight-up lying. The U.S. won the most medals overall and it won the most gold medals — the men's basketball team alone had 24 gold medalists, and the soccer team featured 18. Tack on another nine for the women's rowing team and a dozen for the men's volleyball team, and those four sports alone give the U.S. 63 gold medals hanging around the necks of its athletes. Take that, commies. Of course, the gold medal numbers will look even better once China's gymnasts' medals are revoked when we find out its gymnasts are still getting money from the tooth fairy.

Some Olympic sports just lend themselves to no one being able to take them seriously. Take weightlifting for example, with two slightly inappropriately named events with the snatch and the clean-and-jerk events.

But then again, some countries just lend themselves to no one being able to take them seriously. Take Bulgaria for example. Five medals? Way to go, Michael Phelps could take on your whole country. At least Romania tied Phelps with eight medals, though only four of them were gold. Russia gets an honorable mention for 72 total medals, though they were way off the three-digit medal mark like the 100+ medals America (and China before cheating is factored in) achieved. Afghanistan (still trying to get terrorism to be an Olympic sport), Egypt (who won the 2560 BC Olympics thanks to the pyramid-raising event), Israel (apparently only sailing is kosher), Mauritius (yeah, I didn't know it was a country either), Moldova (see previous comment), Togo (who unfortunately for my satirization purposes did not win in a pogo stick event) and Venezuela (I wouldn't show up for the Olympics either if I only had to pay 12 cents for gas in my home country) all seven tied for the Least-talented Country in the World Award with one bronze medal.

Despite the efforts of Chinese propagandists, the U.S. leads the way by a large, large margin for total medals won over the history of all modern Olympic games (since 1896, though we'd have won the ancient games too had we been a country yet). 2,514 medals overall, with 1,008 of those being gold. Get this — the second-place country, the Soviet Union, which isn't even a country anymore, doesn't even have half that with only 1,204 medals (473 gold). Great Britain (still a country, sort of) has third place with 736 (215 gold) and the U.S.' mother (read: oppressor) country has actually competed in one more set of Olympic games than the U.S., giving them a head start without even coming close. Oh yeah, and even though I mentioned the countries who won the fewest medals in the 2008 games above, there are actually some countries that are so lame they have won no medals whatsoever. Ever. Monaco is by far the lamest, competing in the most (25) games without ever even taking a bronze medal home.

The point of all this is that you don't mess with America (yeah, the United States of it). We won the Olympics (without the help of flexible, government-trained adolescents), and we'll win the games again in London. God, save the queen, but God, bless America.

Uploaded 08/28/2008
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