Dear Professor Genius,
I really like club music – does that make me gay? – Non-gay Clubber

Dear NC,
I don’t really understand the question, but I’ll give it a shot. Surprisingly, throughout my travails, I have never heard any club music, so I was forced to look it up. After extensive research in my local public library, I found a fascinating book on European club music. I was intrigued by the number of sounds you can generate using a club or mallet and a dead fish or other piece of meat. My favourite songs include “Love Me Tenderized”, While My Halibut Gently Weeps”, “Swing Low, Sweet Billy Club”, and “Pound of Silence”. Club music originated from the Etruscan tribes of southern Europe and would be initiated by various soothsayers or herbalists clubbing fish in a musical manner. This activity would be so forceful, that many of them would enter into what we call a "trance" whereby they maximize the sound extrapolation from the fish. My favorite sub-genre of club music is "drum n' bass" where people use three bass fish as a set of drums (each bass is of a different size and thereby produces a different sound frequency). I am not a big fan of "techno" or "electro" where people actually replace the fish with an electronic robot animal (this is pioneered mostly in Japan). I may not have known anything about club music prior to your question, but now I am a true fan. I don’t understand why you are confused about whether or not club music makes you happy. I say if you like club music be gay and be proud about it. It seems like in this day and age, people try to keep you from being happy, but I say do whatever makes you happy. In the end, we only want one thing out of life… to be gay. I hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius.

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