Dear Stupid Hoes-Bag Who Cock-Blocked Me Last Night,

Why can't you mind your own fucking business? Really. You see I'm working game on your friend here. Leave us alone. We're trying to enjoy the inside of each others faces.

I've worked really hard. REALLY hard all night making conversation with your friend. I've listened to her boring stories about her cat, about her family. I've nodded my head in agreement with every stupid opinion she has let roll out of her pretty little mouth. And I think I remember her name.

So what is your fucking problem?

Are you mad that I didn't choose YOU to bless with my penis? Well, I got news for you: You didn't just cock-block ME, you cock-blocked.... yourself. Because I was totally gonna let you eat the backside of my balls while I jammed your hotter-looking friend.

It's not like I ignored you. I involved you in the conversation. I even brought up what would appear to your favorite topic -- food.

Your friend here WANTS to hook up with me. She's giving me the googly eyes. The bar is closing. So why don't you just hop your sloppy ass in a cab and go home so you can bury your face in a pint of Ben & Jerry's.

Your words burn in my brain, "She's coming with me."

Yeah, okay. See, your friend, whatshername, is trying to get some d!ck tonight. Why won't you allow this to happen? You think you are protecting her. But you are only delaying the inevitable. Your friend is a slut. You know this. Let her express her sluttitude with me instead of the next guy tomorrow night.

Admit it. You don't have your friend's best interests at heart. You are jealous. If only I had a competent wing man to stuff your face full of fried chicken, you'd be happy as a pig in whatever-the-hell it is pigs like you like to roll around in.

Listen, I have only the best intentions with your friend, whatsherface. I intend to make love to her throat. Then her hoo-ha. Then I will make a half-hearted attempt at putting it in her butt -- just to see if she'll let me. Then, the next morning, I will ask for her hand in marriage.

See, this is true love. Can't you understand that? Or is the only love you understand involve an infatuation with chocolate glazed doughnuts?

So I hope you're happy now. Two consenting adults will both be denied the pleasure of humping because of you.

I hope Freddy Krueger finger-bangs you in your sleep.

I hope you die alone in a pool of your own vomit and sewer rats gnaw the skin off your cheeks.

I hope McDonald's denies you service.

You're the dumb bitch who thinks that your hot friend "steals" all the guys from you. No. Here is the truth: The guys talk to you first to GET TO your hot friend. It's not as if they were interested in you at the start and then your hot friend had to convince them otherwise. They were NEVER interested in you!

Next time, go with the flow. Let me have sex with your friend and I'll let you into the bedroom not only to watch... but to participate! Every time I feel like I'm about to "bust my nut," I will call for you to crawl out of the closet so I can look at you. This will allow me to last longer. Forever, maybe.

And while I would never allow you to swallow my beautiful semen, I might, just might permit you to sniff the head of my manhood after I unplug it from your friend's butt.

Then we'll all go out to sing karaoke!

Sincerely yours,

The Guy Trying to Get Some from Your Friend