Coping with the loss of life

I really haven't posted much lately.  I have popped in to check out things and leave comments though.  Still needed an outlet to escape for a few minutes.  Things have been tough lately.  It has been a very tiring and emotionally taxing few weeks.  Read on if you want.  Parts may be graphic.

My wife was pregnant.  We went in at what we thought was nine weeks for an ultrasound.  We went to the midwife center.  We both like it there better than at a traditional hospital.  The midwives seem to take a more gentle approach to the whole birth process.  Most of them are also qualified nurses.

The one that performed the ultrasound has issues finding the baby.  She saw the birth sac, but not the little baby.  The midwife recommended that my wife get a more thorough sonogram.  She called another ultrasound center a few blocks away and asked if and when they could fit us in.  They had an opening right then and there.

My wife and I traveled to the other office.  Keep in mind that I took a break from work, so I'm still in my uniform here.  We also have our son with us.  I take him out of his car seat and we go in.  That nurse took us directly back to a room with higher quality equipment.

She gave my wife some directions on how to prepare herself and excused herself from the room.  As we waited, I fed my son a bottle.  The nurse came back in.  She took some measurements with a program incorporated into the ultrasound equipment.  I thought that I saw a heartbeat for a second.  Then there was nothing.  Then I realized that I didn't hear anything.  I just assumed that the sound was off.

The nurse then asked how far along we thought my wife was.  The reply was nine weeks.  The nurse pointed out where the baby was and said that it measured at only seven weeks.  She also stated that there was no heartbeat.  That just hung in the air for a few seconds.  There was no sound.  Nothing was happening while those words sank in.  Our baby to be was dead. 

We went back to the midwife center.  There we were told that we had three options: 1, let her body run its natural course; 2, use medication to push the miscarriage out; or 3, to get a DNC medical procedure (same as what's used for an abortion).  I listed them in order of recommendation.  This is also the way that my wife preferred it as well.

The midwife recommended that I take the rest of that day off from work along with the next day.  I called my boss to tell her about what had just happened.  She wanted me to come in for part of the next day for a performance review.  I explained to her again what we had just gone through.  She then said that it will be fine for me to take the next day off, but she wanted to talk to me the following Monday.  Even if I did come to work, I would not be able to concentrate on jack shit.

For about a week, we went on.  The dead baby still inside.  It was strangely comforting that it was still there.  Then I started to think, there is nothing to burry in a miscarriage.  There is no grave to visit or put flowers on.  There is no one to remember.

We hosted a Halloween party for my subordinates and their families.  It was over by 5pm.  As we were driving home, she started to cramp very badly.  When we got home, she started to bleed.  It was happening.  Her body was pushing out the failed pregnancy.  The miscarriage was nearing completion.

She got in the shower.  It was the best method for her to feel comfortable.  It also helped keep things clean.  With the amount of blood, I almost thought that she would need a transfusion.  Of course that could have been me not wanting to see my wife in pain.  Pieces of tissue started to come out.  Some were small enough to wash down the drain.  Then the birth sack came out.  This is where the fetus and the placenta are held.  My wife couldn't do it and asked me to get it.  The hardest part was picking it up.

Things are slowly getting back to normal.  Her body is still converting from pregnant mode to normal mode.  I still feel sad at times, but I am starting to feel good again.  We talked about it, and decided that we do want to try again.  We're just not sure when we will do it.  All in all, it has been a hard few weeks having to deal with hassles at work and the loss of life.


Uploaded 11/06/2009
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