Halloween:

The one day where guys have an excuse to dress up like an asshole. The one day where punks, goths, skinheads, trannies, and greasers can hold hands and sing songs of cheer without looking completely fagtastic.

Yes, Halloween. The one fucking holiday where nobody knows for sure why we even celebrate it. Nevermind where it came from, we get free candy.


And pennies from old ladies who can't afford candy.


I'm four months early, you say? Well fuck you, I don't really care. Last Halloween I was forced into dressing up as a woman for the second time in my life (the first time was horrific enough) and then dragged off into the night to listen to the Monster Mash, the Ghostbusters theme, and In Da Club.

But it wasn't all that bad, to be perfectly honest. The only reason why my night didn't suck ass was because hot women go to stupid events like Halloween dances. There was some fine booty-shaking going on, and I'll be damned if I'm forced into looking like a complete dickhead and I don't get some pussy by the end of the night.


Wearing heels sucks, by the way. I did not feel the least bit sexy as I shuffled my way onto the dance floor while my knee-highs were down around my ankles. No way in hell am I shaving my legs for one night, either. Only the gays shave their legs.

And swimmers.


Either way, my night started off rather well. I started off swing-dancing with Marilyn Monroe, and then I did some grinding with a nurse. I then got tired, and sat down with a Coke and chatted with a maid. Afterwards, Catwoman grabbed me by the prick and led me out to the dance floor again.

After feeling up Hillary Clinton (which won the scariest costume contest, in case you were wondering), I grabbed a policewoman by the waist and started to lead her out to the dance floor. I was promptly punched in the balls.

Apparently, she was a real policewoman.

While nursing my swollen testicles, an Asian schoolgirl handed me another Coke and laughed at me. Right when I was getting her number, Britney Spears ruined everything.

This DUDE went as Britney Spears and danced better than the real Britney. In fact, he was hotter than the real Britney too. That motherfucker went and did a bunch of backflips, somersaults, breakdancing moves, and other shit I can't even name right now. All I could do was sit there and watch as my little Asian schoolgirl walked away from me to cheer that bastard on.



In the end, Britney walked out of the room with Snow White, Dracula's bride, and the policewoman.




Me?

I got the back end of a donkey.