By F. G. Fitzer
In their day to day work, cryptozoologists stomp around the back woods looking for traces of creatures like Bigfoot or the Beast of Bodwin Moor. But, in the heart of every cryptozoologist, there is just one quarry worth finding: Jesus.
"He's been sighted here and there, in ecosystems all over the globe, for centuries now, explains Dr. Itzakh Joach, a theological pathologist who moonlights as a professor of cyptozoological philosophy at East Halibut Point Community College in Rhode Island. "We have some casts of Jesus's footprints in the sand, some hair of Jesus left behind at the scene of a sighting at a bowling alley in Atlantic City, and some scat found on a trail in backwoods Oregon that we believe comes from Jesus as well. But, definitive proof that Jesus lives has been lacking."
Yes, definitive proof that Jesus has returned to Earth has been lacking, until now. In a surprising development for Christian believers everywhere, this photograph of the hand of Jesus has surfaced at a photomart in Oklahoma City.
Bible scientists have confirmed that this photograph is in fact a picture of the hand of Jesus. Through their meticulous scholarship, they have noted that a slight mark has been left from the crucifixion on the back of the hand, healed with a scar exactly as would be expected for a divine being in human form over two thousand years old (See Arrow A). Also, there is some wear on the kuckles of the hand that are consistent with rolling a big stone away from the mouth of a cave (See Arrow B). Finally, through a thoroughly scientific analysis of the highest standards, it has been determined that the pigmentation of the hand is precisely what we would expect to see on the hand of a Jewish carpenter who has been ascended to heaven for an extended period of time.
Then there is the eyewitness testimony of Claude A. Soyle, the art student who photographed the hand. Soyle has testified, with his hand placed on the Holy Bible, that, "I was developing some pictures of garbage mosaics another student had prepared, when all of a sudden there was this blinding light coming from behind me. I was mad at first, because all my photographs were ruined by the excessive exposure, but then I saw that Jesus had walked into the darkroom. He said, "I, Jesus Christ, the savior of men, have returned to Earth to fulfill the prophecies of the Bible. You have been a photographer of men. Now follow me, and you can become a photographer of me." He was standing there smiling for a portrait, but I was so nervous that I took this picture of his hand instead. Then, I ran out of film, and Jesus disappeared."
Some skeptics have said that they won't believe that this photograph is really the hand of Jesus until a live Jesus is caught and brought to a zoo for examination, or shot by hunters, with a fresh corpse to examine. Nonetheless, the majority of believers have dismissed such skepticism as closed minded.
A few pentacostal Christians, however, are dismayed by the theological implications of this photograph. They have noted that Jesus appears to be wearing a wedding ring, and have concluded that Dan Brownâs account of the marriage of Jesus to Mary Magdalene, given in The DaVinci Code is probably correct.
"This changes everything," explained a worried Reverend Buckstohr, of the Seventeenth Baptist Church in Milwaukee. "We Christians need to start asking ourselves some pretty deep questions now. For example, is the Harry Potter book series also historically accurate, and if so, should Platform 9 3/4 be opened to the faithful, muggle and wizard alike?"