Dear Schmoopy

Dear Schmoopy,

I love you SO much!  I am so glad we will be able to be together.  Oh, the joy we will be able to experience will be immeasurable.  I am so glad you put that restraining order where I could find it and tear it up.  Luckily your safe and alarm system weren't that hard to bypass!  Oh, I know you didn't lock that one window in your first-floor bathroom completely out of love for me!


I love you SO much!  Let's get married and stab each other in the neck and then drive off a cliff while we hold our hands over the holes in our necks!  We can gurgle "I love YOU!" and "No, I love YOU!", and "I love you MORE!", and "No, I love YOU more!" and stuff while we plummet to our mutual deaths.  It will be SO romantic!

I love you SOOOOOOOO much!  I love you so much that I am going to murder my wife and kids and plant their heads on stakes in my front yard and cover myself in their blood!  Then I'll write your name all over my house with my own feces and fire my shotgun at passing cars!  Then I'll cut out my own spleen and chew on it contemplatively as I await your arrival.  Or the cops, whichever comes first.  Because I love you that much!  Like, with all my heart!  As well as my pancreas, and probably my kidneys, and definitely my spleen. 

I love you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!  So much so, in fact, that I showed up at your job today covered in sour milk and pieces of dead squirrel, with your name carved into my shaved head.  That wasn't the only thing shaved, either!  I shaved my whole body for you, which everyone could plainly see because I was naked.  Some of them were so happy for our love that they fainted!  Your boss was really happy to see me, and didn't even wince when I handed her my severed penis.  She said that I was "exactly what she's been looking for" and said she couldn't wait to talk to you.  I think she may want to give you a big promotion!  You can thank ME for that one, Schmoopy!

Do you know how much I LOOOOOOVE you?  So much, in fact, that your parents have given us their blessing!  It's true!  They gave me a whole bunch of money!  They said the money was for me to go a long way away and never speak to you again, but I know in my heart that they really meant for me to use it to marry you.  I'll get money to marry you from somewhere else, though.  I am totally going to use the money your parents gave me to have your entire apartment covered in the blood of the innocent!  Won't that be awesome?

I REALLY love you SOOOO, SOOOO much!  So much, in fact, that I'd even drink gasoline!  Again, I mean.  I just drank a whole gallon of it and now I'm pouring it all over myself.  If I can keep from puking, I am going to show you the greatest display of my love for you!  Oh, the look on the gas station attendant's face when I run screaming and on fire into one of the pumps will be just wonderful!  Hopefully you'll be able to see it really well from the highway sign I tied you to.


Love always,



P.S. If you're looking for little Izzy, check the oven!  Smells good, huh?

Uploaded 12/02/2008
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