Drunken Teenage Underdog Beats the Shit Outta Chicago

I met up with a girl I had been seeing at Union Station to go to the Taste of Chicago.  If you don’t know what the taste is, it’s a place where you spend way too much fucking money on small portions of food.  It’s a giant rip off, but its fun as shit to go to.  Anyway, I was pretty into her, she was that girl I wanted to get with all throughout high school but never ended up talking to.  After I met up with her and Union I paid little to no attention to my other friends that I came with and me and her quickly got separated. 

We went about our thing eating shit like shark and ox and goat and banana pork dumplings and drinking way too much alcohol out of Big Gulp cups...  You know, that cutesy date shit.  About two hours into this my phone battery goes dead (that’s gonna be significant, so jot that down in your notes).  It was a perfect day.  Later in the night we met up with two of my other friends and went to his brother's apartment.  It was this super trendy place right on the Lake Michigan where they were blowing off fireworks, so we go up on a rooftop pool to swim and watch said fireworks. 

Now, at this point I'm fuckin golden.  I mean come on, a fucking rooftop pool and fireworks!!!  We all chilled and drank Ghetto Blasters (a lotta booze in a two liter of pop) right up until the time we had to leave to catch the last train back to the northwest 'burbs.  It was a long walk, about 15 blocks or so.  When we were right infront of the station and about 10 minutes before our train's departure the girl i was with, we'll call her Marie, says "Fuck!  I forgot my phone, I have to go back and find it."  I went with her while my two friends caught their train and got to spend a night in their beds.  It was a dumb idea considering neither of us had a functioning phone or a way back home.  Needless to say her phone was gone and we were fucked.

Marie mentioned spending a night on the streets and said it would be a "good experience." AIDS and being assraped at gunpoint are two things that I've been trying to avoid for the most part, so i thought spending a night in a hotel would be a better idea.  The first place had no vacancies.  The first 4 places had no fucking vacancies.  The lady at the Hilton suggested that I check out the place across the street because it would most likely have vacancies.  Little did I know, this place across the street is a five star hotel and the cheapest room that they had available was 190 a night (a lovely room with a king size bed and a bad ass bathroom).  The price bitch slapped me across the face and I knew I couldn’t pull that shit off.  I told him I would think about it, but really i was just seeing how much time I could kill in their front lobby.  I didn't want to give up that much money just to sleep for a night, I'm a 2nd year college kid god dammit, money is tight and mommy and daddy aren’t helpin.

Just as we were losing all hope the man at the front desk yells in my direction, "Sir?"  so I walked over…

"You mentioned to me that you were a ______ employee?" he said with a wink

"....Yeah, I am."  (I wasn't)

"Well with your employee discount the room comes out to $35 for tonight. Are you still interested in a room?"

I shit.  I shit a brick of joy right onto the lobby floor.  I don’t know that man’s name and I don’t want to get him in trouble and say the name of the hotel that I stayed in, but he is a fucking saint.  We spent a night in a 5 star hotel for a hooker-motel price. 

I am the best fucking man in the world, and I still didn't get laid.





Uploaded 08/07/2008
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