Every Chuck Norris Joke Ever Created.... Ever!

·         When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

·          Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

·         There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

·         Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

·         Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

·         Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

·         Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

·         Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

·         There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

·         When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up; he’s pushing the Earth down.

·         Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

·         Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

·         Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

·         Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch; HE decides what time it is.

·         Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

·         Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

·         Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a Delta Force marathon on Satellite TV.

·         Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship

    • Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

    • There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
    • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
    • The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
    • There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
    • Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk and Kill.
    • The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
    • Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
    • Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
    • Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.
    • Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. (New!)
    • Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
    • Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
    • Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
    • The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
    • Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
    • Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... And they're all poisonous.
    • If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
    • Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
    • When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
    • The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
    • Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
    • CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
    • Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
    • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
    • Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
    • What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
    • Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
    • Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... A suicide.
    • Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. His roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
    • Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
    • A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
    • Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
    • Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
    • If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
    • Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
    • Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
    • The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodge ball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
    • Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
    • Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
    • Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
    • Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
    • Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
    • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
    • Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
    • Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
    • Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
    • In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
    • Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
    • Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
        • Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
        • Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
        • The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
        • In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
        • According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
        • Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
        • When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
        • There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
        • Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
        • Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
        • Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
        • When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
        • Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
        • Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
        • There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
        • When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
        • Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
        • A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
        • When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
        • Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
        • Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
        • How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
        • Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
        • In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
        • Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
        • If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
        • Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
        • The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
        • A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
        • Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
        • Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
        • When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
        • While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
        • Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
        • When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
        • When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
        • Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
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Uploaded 08/26/2008
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