Lately I have been thinking to myself about how I have bottled so much shit in my life up. I think that maybe I should stop bottling up and finally let out but there's something about me that makes me stop and say "How much of an idiot will I seem like and how big of a pansy will I become if I let all this out?" Basically as I see it this built up rage anger sadness and etc has kept me to be me, the person who everyone comes to when they need a shoulder to cry on or needs help or needs to borrow something.
Truth is at times I do want to spill everything and just let someone know how much real pain I have inside me but I don't because well I don't have answer to why I don't but theres a road block and I can't get through that. Lately I have had people ask me why I am not smiling, why I am so quiet and why I don't seem as "Preppy" as normal. Basically I have come to realize that, why should I put on a fake happy smile to try and make everyone around me see that I am happy when I really think the world around me is full of bullshit and assholes?
When I woke up this morning I looked at my dog and I said "What do you want for breakfest bud?" I realized instead of asking a human being that question or rather myself I was asking a creature an animal that I love and care for. I soon noticed that the only real living breathing thing that I had vented to in the last few years was my dog.
I have come to the conclusion of asking myself why I am still around and why the world still needs me. I haven't found a reason why it needs me and I doubt anyone knows their reason I just think that mine isn't a good reason.
I just needed to type. I know it was probably a waste of your time. I'm going to go get drunk. Have a nice weekend EBW.