For better or for worse. This is a really long one

I really should have known that everything was not ok.   I really should have known that he wasn't going to complain.  I really should have known that it was all going to blow up in my face.   I really should have known that this change was necessary.

I'm not stupid, but I've never been as baffled or dumbfounded as I was to learn that the my life was ready to call it quits.   "We're done".  Two words that I never thought I'd hear. 

For you to understand better,  I need to come clean and put my dirty laundry out there for all to see. 
When something seems too good to be true, it probably is.   And to my recent discovery that goes far deeper than promotional marketing schemes that cable companies have to offer. 

See,  I thought everything was good, and it was... for me.   I have an amazing man who has spent the last 3 years of his life, supporting me in every way.   I never had to lift a finger, and on some days, I didn't.    On his way home from work everyday (rain, shine, blizzard of the century) he, instead of getting dropped off at home, gets dropped off at the local Tim Hortons to buy me an Iced Cappuccino, and runs whatever errands I didn't bother to accomplish while sitting at home on the couch.  After he gets home he spends his evenings doing the chores I didn't bother doing during the day while he was at work.    Sometimes I would forget, other times I put it off with plans to get it done later... and even the odd time I honestly didn't do it because I knew he would.    Not only did I never have to ask him to do anything,  I never heard a complaint.... hell, he wouldn't even ask me to do anything.    He made it so easy for me to be lazy, I took the bait.  And I got very comfortable.

During the beginning of our relationship I attributed his kind ways to a couple things.   The relationship I was in before him was the complete opposite.  And since he knew me, and heard me complaining about how lazy my ex was (he wouldn't even throw out his food wrappers, and would instead just leave them wherever he was sitting, only to ask me to clean up after him with a stupid smirk that made me want to punch him in the face).  I knew going in that Rob wanted to change that for me, and give me the relationship I wanted and he thought I deserved.    The second reason I attributed his kindness to was his long-term loneliness.   Being single for 8 years, I thought that he missed having that companionship so much, that he wanted someone to take care of, and wanted to make me as happy as I had made him.     I thought that new car smell was going to fade, but it didn't.   To this day he's still that gentleman that holds doors open, helps old ladies cross the street, and makes sure I'm happier than a pig in shit.

I became so comfortable and confident, that I never thought to consider what he wanted, or worst still, what he thought our future together was going to be like.   I didn't realize how dependent I had become, or how immature I am compared to him.   But he summed it up for me in a simple sentence.   "You're just like your mom... and I don't want to be like your dad." .  My mom hasn't worked a day since her and my dad got together.   It wouldn't of been so bad if my mother had stayed a house wife that supported her family at home.   Now she sits at home bribing my little brother and sister into doing all of the work around the house. (She promises money, but hardly ever feels the need to pay up) Both of my siblings cook and clean, they even run to the corner store down the street whenever my mom needs to get something other than cigarettes (but if they could buy them for her, she'd bribe them into that too).    My dad works very very long and hard as a supervisor at his job, but when he comes home he takes on the role of Taxi driver, ATM machine, delivery guy, and handy man.    My mom says she appreciates him, and knows that he works hard, but now that me and my Dad have worked together and now talk like friends do, I know that my mother has no idea what my dad does, and her actions (or the lack thereof) say that she believes that it's a man's job to do all that my dad does.    I never wanted to be her.  I thought I was more independent.   I would look and judge people like my mom all the time.   "Why would any man give in like that?  Only the weak are whipped".   I hate women who treat their men like shit, but expect to be treated like a Princess in return.   I have very much become that of which I despise. 

Some may ask "Why has this come up now?  What made him speak his mind, when he never did before?".    My boyfriend is in a dark place.   He's 32, but he feels 62.    He's been unhappy with life for a very very long time.     After apologizing for dragging me into his problems, he broke down and told me that he hates himself.   He told me that when he was 20, he made a promise to himself that if he was still alone at 30, that he would kill himself.   I guess I came into the picture at the exact right time because we started dating 2 weeks after his 30th Birthday.   He swears up and down that him asking me out wasn't some scrabbling effort to make something of himself, and that if he didn't want to be with me because he loves me, he would have continued to be alone and would have went through with his plans to die.  However he does say that I saved his life, made him happy, and gave him some hope for the future.   His hope for the future that he got from being with me died when he realized that we weren't progressing as a couple, and that I wasn't putting in the effort to improve our lives together.  I want nothing more than to prove to him that he still has a lot of life to live, and plenty of options and opportunity.  He attributes my optimism to his opinions that I haven't explored all options only to be shot down, or that I don't understand why I want what I do.   He doesn't know what he wants, only knows that he doesn't want to pursuit a life without real purpose.   He can't see himself shuffling through life like a sheep in the herd.   Like me, he doesn't want what most people think life is about.  Meaning, how everyone goes to school, gets a job, gets married, buys a house, has kids, retires, dies.. all in that culturally acceptable order.  He doesn't see the point... he doesn't know why people do that, especially if that's not how they hoped to spend their life.    It's really hard for me to explain.   He just doesn't see the point....   And he's definitely not one to be told what he should and shouldn't want out of life.    I believe he is depressed and feels unworthy of happiness.
I know he loves me, and that's the only reason he put in so much effort to put me before himself and make sure I'm happy, even if he's not.   

I feel extremely guilty.  He's done everything in his power to make sure I have good and happy life, and all I ever gave him in return is more evidence to prove that nothing ever works out the way it was designed to.   He doesn't see our situation getting any better.  Instead he's watching a younger female version of himself learn the same dream shattering, life lessons that he had already gone through and come to terms with.   He's accepted his opinion that his life will never amount to anything, and now he feels as if he's going through it all again as a couple.   I can't expect him to agree with me when I say "Things will be better,  we'll get that cottage up North, we'll adopt your favourite breed of dog, we'll have smart kids, we'll be happy."  All I can do is show him... and it's about time I did it.

See,   I'm much like him in many ways (part of the reason I love him so much)... except I still have goals.    I'm not one to follow tradition because it's tradition.  I would rather go without than to see someone else go without.  I hate how culture has such an impact on how the majority of us "choose" to live our lives.  I'll never ever pursuit or change something about myself because I want other people to see me a certain way.
But I do want to be happy.  More so, I want Rob to be happy.   Maybe I don't know what I want to do as employment for the rest of my life.  Maybe I don't know if I want to have kids.  But I do know that I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who understands me, loves me, and makes me happy.     Rob and I love nature, animals, music, and both have anti-social personalities that makes us maintain seclusion and privacy as high priorities.    Rob and I have many things in common when it comes to our likes, dislikes, and overall beliefs.   We are really good together in that way, and both of us know that we'll never find anyone else like each other.     Even if society isn't designed for people like us, I still believe we can achieve happiness. 

I know what I have to do.  First step. Stop being a burden.  If I show him that I am capable of changing my ways, and ridding myself of bad habits,  that there is chance of more significant improvements.   If I stop putting obstacles in my way, if I stop making excuses, if I stop taking the easy route, I will show him that achievement is not beyond our grasp.   I don't deserve the millionth chance he's given me.  I don't deserve the credit I once expected of him.   I don't deserve to be with him at all.   He has every right to be pessimistic and angry with me.  But, he still loves me... I don't know why, but he does.   I don't want to.... I can't lose him.  I will never ever forgive myself for taking advantage of him.  If I fucked this up past the point of repair,  I wouldn't be able to live with myself.   I've never been as sure about anything in my life, as I am about wanting to be with him for the rest of my life.  There's simply nothing I want more.   If I can't do this right, I will always be a failure.

It's going to be difficult.  Rob hasn't changed, in the way, he will never nag at me.   It's up to me to stay on track, be self-aware, do what needs to be done.   I've almost slipped up many times, but bad habits are bad because they're hard to stop.  I even caught myself thinking about things I could ask Rob to do for me, to help me become a better girlfriend.   I had to stop myself and say "No! He's done enough.  He's put his own happiness on hold for me long enough.  It's my turn to be independent, it's my turn to show him how much I love and appreciate him.  It's not his responsibility to make sure I keep doing what I said I would do."   I've also made much progress. 
I've gone from leaving my apartment MAYBE once or twice a week, to going out 3 -4 times a day.
My apartment is the cleanest it's ever been.    I've completed a lot of my school work that I've been putting off ever since I started work this January.   I had my resume professionally enhanced, to improve my chances in finding full-time work.    My boyfriend still does everything he used to, as far as running errands and doing chores, but I offer to help him much more often, and I've taken on many responsibilities that I should have done myself.... for example... I bought my own tampons for the first time in almost a year the other day.    I've become more aware of what needs to be done around the house.  Usually if he sees something that needs to be done, he just does it.   Now it's like a race to see who can see and do it first.   That's one of the reasons I love him.  You know, instead of saying "If she won't do it, I'm not going to either" (like I did with my ex), he sucked it up and did it because it had to be done. Even now that I'm doing stuff, he hasn't become the least bit lazy.   But now, he can come home and relax.  Instead of me telling him all the things that need to be accomplished,  I tell him about the things I did accomplish that don't need to be done anymore. 

The best part about it is,  I went into this challenge of changing my ways so I wouldn't lose him.  But I'm getting much more out of it than that.   It feels good.   Once I get over that procrastination, the dreaded feeling of having to do something I don't want to do,  I find that it's not that shitty.  Those small accomplishments make me feel proud, and optimistic towards further development of myself.  It's so worth it.  
I'm finally doing the right thing.   I wish it could, but I know that things aren't going to get better over night.   Me buying my own tampons is not going to instill any hope or aspirations in Rob's head.  A clean apartment is not going to make up for years of butler service.   And no matter what, the arguement we had that day can never be undone.  I will always remember watching him pack my things in disbelief.

"What are you doing?!?"
"We're done, it's not working"
"What? You're joking....."
"No, I'm serious.  Our relationship isn't going anywhere.  All you do is sit around."
"I'm sorry Rob, but it doesn't have to be like this"
"Yeah, I've heard that before"
"This is crazy, can we talk about it first?"
"What is there to talk about?  I'm not going to sit around and wait for you to wake up one day and decide to stop walking all over me"
"I didn't know it was this bad... I know I haven't done everything I said.. it's not too late"
"I just think you'd be better off living with your parents"
"No, Rob... not at all... please don't do this!"
"You're just like your fucking mother... I don't want to be like your dad, ok?"
"I know and I'm sorry!  I want to fix this, give me another chance"
"You don't understand.... and I can't believe I haven't told you this yet..... I'm falling apart, and have been for a very long time...... I don't think I have much time left, and I don't want you to see me die"
"What are you talking about?"
"When I was 20 I told myself I would kill myself if I wasn't married and established before 30"
"It's not too late... we can still do that."
"I don't want to put this on you.  You've made me happy, but we're stuck, and it's not going to get better any time soon.  I'm a loser who's never accomplished anything, I don't want to drag you down with me"
"Rob, I can't live without you.  I'd rather be here in this apartment with you than in a mansion with anyone else.  I need you.  I know I hurt you,  I want to make it up to you.  I want to move up North with you.  You're my whole life."
"I'm sorry I got your hopes up."
"It's not the end Rob.... I still have growing up to do.  I can and will make this better, I promise.  I mean it this time ok?  Please, just give me another chance.  I know I don't deserve it, but I want to make you as happy as you made me.  I swear things are going to change. I love you."
"I love you too.  It's just, I was walking home in a blizzard one day with your Ice Cap, and I thought 'I know she wouldn't do this for me'..."
"I know Rob, and you were right.  I wouldn't.  I'm too lazy.   But I don't want to be lazy.  I want to have a life with you.   I'm going to do this.  Please just give me a chance...  I know you don't think it will happen.  But can you please just do it for the sake of not giving up the good in our relationship.  You know I'll never find someone as amazing as you"
"I'll never love someone like I love you either BB."
"So can you give me one more shot? Just for the sake of the slim chance I'll actually change this time?"
"I guess."
"Oh my god! Thank you so much.  I'm so sorry I hurt you.  We need work.   I know I can't lose you Rob, I'll do anything I can to make sure I don't."
"I'm sorry too.  I shouldn't of let it go this far."
"Me neither."


Uploaded 05/10/2011
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