I like to wake up each morning felling a new man. -
-- Jean Harlow
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by
-- Douglas Adams
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
-- Walt Disney
I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children, they just about throw up
-- Barbara Bush
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
-- Groucho Marx
I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards.
-- Rudyard Kipling
I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. -
-- Marie Corelli
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
-- Emo Philips
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet
-- Henry Youngman
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
-- Jack Handey
If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
-- John Wayne
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
- Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)
-- Jack Handey
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
-- Dick Cavett
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
-- Emo Philips
In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was pro da. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.
-- Yakov Smirnoff
In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards.
-- Mark Twain
You can lead a man to Congress but you can't make him think !
- Milton Berle
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either !
- Jack Benny
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
- Woody Allen
I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb!
- Freddie Starr
Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera !
- James Stephens
I can remember Doris Day before she was a virgin.
- Oscar Levant
I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.
- Johnny Depp
Sometimes you have to be a bitch to get things done.
The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff.
- Britney Spears
Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.
- Paris Hilton
Celebrity is the chastisement of merit and the punishment of talent.
- Emily Dickinson
I am beautiful, famous and gorgeous.
- Anna Kournikova
A celebrity is one who is known by many people he is glad he doesn't know
- Henry Louis Mencken
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
- Douglas Adams
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you !
- Rita Mae Brown
The trouble with children is that they're not returnable !
- Quentin Crisp