Before Fuzz can sweep me off my feet and right to the marriage aisle, he insisted I go with him down south to visit his mother.
I'm not one for getting "permission" for anything, much less a wedding, but since it seemed to make Fuzzy happy, I obliged - and boy, should I have said "no"....
His mama is as mean an old bat as those southern "belles" go, and doesn't take kindly to non-church-going northern chicks with a foul mouth and colored hair.
Her name is Thelma, a poor old widow woman who lives in Raytown. She lives mostly off of Social Security since the few jobs she's tried to hold she couldn't, due to her big mouth and crotchety nature.
She's one of those southern women who wear flowery dresses, bird hats, stockings rolled around their ankles, and LOVES to go to church and talk about arts, crafts, and how pornography shouldn't be sold in stores.
Along with this, she lives with her (much older) son Vinton and his dingbat wife Naomi, who never pay rent, do housework, and sleep and fuck in the basement like they're a couple of loser post-High-School grads.
As if that weren't enough, what's worse, is that Mama constantly has her next-door neighbor, Iola Boylan, over every day to talk about crafts, coupons, and mooch dinner. This woman is as prissy a spinster as they come, and probably has NEVER gotten laid.
She usually tries to hit on Vint all the time, but the shit hit the fan when we showed up and she passed my Fuzzy-wuzzy a suggestive photograph under the dinner table!!!
Well, suggestive for her, I guess. Maybe Mama was hoping it'd be what gets her little boy to send me back up north on a plane so she can have him all to herself again, but when Fuzz insisted he wanted to get married to me, she went ballistic! She yelled to us, then to Vinton, and then took off, leaving Naomi over-dramatically shocked and Fuzz very upset.
I guess that's how it goes in Mama's Family - except for Fuzzy, that is. I have no idea how he could've sprung from such a mess. Anyway, we'd rather hit Vegas. To the craps!!!!
Mama's Family (c) 1983-1990 NBC; TBS