Genius Dating Advice

Dear Professor Genius,

I was dating a girl from work for a month. After dumping me, I come to find out she’s with another guy from work. How do I go to work without being angry? Should I quit? - Still Working

Dear SW,

First of all, you should thank this other man, because you do not want to be dating someone from work. Fortunately, this other man is now in the awkward situation, and you are now home free! You can take advantage of this new start by joining a hobby club, hanging out at the grocery store, or making a gingerbread house. I always advice young people to never ever date a person from work, as this will create a potentially awkward situation. Here are some other situations where you should avoid forming relationships, as they have historically been shown to end in misery.


  1. Never date someone your friend introduced you to. It will place your friend in an awkward position.
  2. Never date someone from church, because this puts God in an awkward position.
  3. Never date live performers (gymnasts, actors, rock stars, stand-up comedians, ceremonial DJs, clowns). They are all freaks.
  4. Never date anyone with your address or who knows where you live (pizza guy, mailman, Jehovah’s witness, or anyone from the census bureau). You don’t want to get a stalker.
  5. Don’t date dope fiends, people with bad credit, or vegans. These people can’t be trusted, and will break your heart.
  6. Don’t date any doctor, teacher, government employee, or anyone with access to your social security number. If they break up with you (which they probably will), they can steal your money when you are old (assuming social security is still around).
  7. Never date foreigners, because they may have to go back their country and you’ll never see them again.
  8. Never date Americans, because it’ll be awkward when you run into them on the street.
  9. Never date somebody you meet at the bar, because they probably only find you attractive when they’re drunk.
  10. Finally, never date people younger or older than you. Nothing is more awkward than trying to explain what the Go-Bots or Pogs are.


This is my list. Stick with the clubs and grocery stores and listen to lots of music that features the sousaphone. Good luck my friend. I hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius


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Uploaded 05/14/2008
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