Godless and proud!

Name's Ty, and I'm a murdering psychopath, who has no compassion or empathy towards my fellow man.  I have absolutely no moral code to abide by, so naturally, I see nothing wrong with theft, rape, and murder, as these things are all just "taboo" in the eyes of society.   I am this way because my parents were neglectful in that, they did not bring me to Church, or teach me about "God" at home.   Because of this, I never learned all that much about heaven, hell, purgatory, or limbo.  Wait, didn't the last Pope denounce one of those?   Ah, who gives a shit?  Even if those bible thumpers are right, I'll just leave a little cash in my will so my family can go to the church and buy me and my "soul" a ticket to heaven.  Maybe they don't do that anymore...  I know they used to... they called it an 'Indulgence', and they used to sell like hot cakes. 
On the other hand, I might just be doomed to damnation.  According to some, God has a plan for everyone, and it could very well be that I may never repent, and thus go to hell.  You know, like all those babies who died before they're able to be baptized.   Or am I supposed to go to purgatory as a last ditch effort to save my soul, and earn my way into God's arms?   Does God have arms?  If so, where'd he get them from?  If someone could help answer these questions, I'd really appreciate it.  As far as I know, they don't usually kill people who question the Church anymore, so you don't have to worry about being shunned for talking to me.
Ok, I'm done being sarcastic.  I don't actually want to be saved, so put the bible down, and nobody gets hurt.   See, I don't agree that you need to believe in God to have a "moral code" of ethics, hell, I don't even believe that you need political laws, and social alienation to be kind to others, either.   You don't need to have a healthy or irrational fear for your future, or eternity, whatever that means.   I know this, because I am a living example of it.
I could go on forever, listing examples of self-proclaimed believers who have committed acts that utterly and inexcusably contradict everything they and their religious group claim to support.  In fact, I can recall more examples of that than I can of people who withheld from such activities due to supernatural intervention.  If anything, the belief that God forgives everyone, and that he's the only true judge, sounds more like an attempt to relieve one's self of guilt and shame, than anything else.   With the vast amount of "moral codes" out there, that all seem to differ in one way or another, it would be fruitless to try and elaborate on any of them in particular.  Instead, I've chosen to go with what I know, what I've experienced, and what I believe.   So far, it's kept me out of jail, and has even gone on to help others. 

Despite having never "belonged" to any church, or practiced any form of worship, I have somehow turned out ok.  At least that's what Beau would say if you asked him.   See, Beau used to be homeless, back in 2007.  Because he is gay, his Catholic step-father, kicked him out of his house.  His mother, who is physically handicapped, with an unfortunate dependency on illegal pain medication, had no way of supporting him on her own, and had no choice but to allow her boyfriend to treat her son in such a way.  With no support, he walked for 8 hours, in the rain, to the trailer park I was visiting, to ask one of my friends if she would let him stay at her house, until he could find a job.   My friend's name is Lori, and she is also gay.  She owns a home, that remains vacant during the summer, when she lives in her trailer with her wife.  She is also a Christian who goes to Church every Sunday.  Her and Beau's mother grew up together, and were really good friends.  Despite all of this, she turned him down. 

This is when I met him for the first time.  Modestly, he didn't mention anything about his situation when I first met him.   In fact, it was Lori who told me about his predicament.  She seemed a little angry that he would "put her on the spot like that", and begun talking negatively about him behind his back.  She got defensive, and said things like "It's not my fault he can't support himself... I'm not a charity." Aside from my activity on ebaums, I'm not one to judge anyone before I get to know them.  Not because God, or anyone who believes in God, told me to, but because experience tells me that there are two sides to every story.   What people say often has more to do with their own opinion, than fact.  I wasn't about to take Lori's defensive words to heart, before gathering my own opinion.  

I could hardly support myself.  In fact, I had just recently moved out of the trailer park I was visiting at the time.   Yeah, I lived in a trailer - it was my only reasonable option.   I had a job at a factory, making min wage, which was $8 an hour.   I lived on KD, Ramen, and Native Reserve cigarettes.    Some days, I didn't even have change for my morning coffee.   I was in no position to take on another expense, but morally, I was in no position to allow Beau to suffer without anywhere to go or anyone to turn to.   Despite having only just met him, and despite being one paycheck away from being in the same predicament as him, I offered Beau my support, and a place to stay.   He was in shock.   He only hoped that maybe someone he knew would help him for a while... he didn't expect to get help from a perfect stranger.   Beau is a very... flamboyant character, who had no troubles showing his appreciation, and shame.   He kept asking, "are you sure?" even after I brought him home and set up the couch for him to sleep on.   He immediately offered me his entire welfare check - $150, which I insisted he kept.   I must admit, I didn't sleep well that night.

Simply put - I was scared.  I even thought about the knives I had sitting on the counter, and contemplated the possibility of Beau stabbing me in my sleep.   Reality started to kick in, and I honestly had doubts.  I had just offered up my home and everything in it, to someone I had only just met a few hours before.  Telling my parents about it, didn't make me feel any better.   I even lied to them and told him that I used to go to school with him,  but they still thought I was crazy.  My dad yelled at me, and demanded that I kick Beau out of my apartment.   Everyone I knew tried to talk me out of it.  Besides Beau, not a single person said anything along the lines of "well that was awfully nice of you to do".   I was going against my intuition, sacrificing both what little money and privacy I had, and put all of my trust into someone I had never met.     The very next day, I had to go to work, which meant I had to leave Beau in my home, alone for the day.   I spent that eight hours concerned that I might come home to find my TV and computer stolen.  

Fortunately nothing was stolen.  Actually, I came home to find my apartment all clean and tidy.   The only thing missing was the garbage that he took out.  He even walked to the grocery store (30 minutes away) and stocked my fridge with food.  Real food, the kind you need a stove to make.  Then we cooked it!  It was like a girls night in, as weird as that is.   We became good friends very quickly.  I guess that's what happens when we remove those barriers we put up to protect ourselves. 

A lot of close friends asked me why I did this.  It wasn't helping me financially, and I had absolutely no way of predicting the outcome.  They were very right to say I was taking huge risks, and accepting certain loss.I've been called naive, and out-right stupid.  However, I refuse to call it 'luck' that left me unscaved. I gained a friend, and any money I've lost is just money.  I spend money on things all the time. Shit I don't need, that I should, but do not feel guilt or remorse for.  Really, it was money well spent!God, or the concept of god, had absolutely nothing to do with my decision.  I did not do this to better my chances of getting to heaven, or avoiding hell.  I simply do not believe either place (or state of mind - whatever you think it might be) literally exist. 

  I believe in a more tangible and urgent suffering.  Physical and emotional pain is not pleasant.  That is one of our very basic understandings of life, and that holds true no matter where you come from.   Although it's possible to gain from it, for example "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger", we still have to endure it, cope with it, and try to alleviate it.  We understand this concept better than all other species, but we are not the only animal to exhibit these behaviors.  Elephants, and some species of primates are but a few examples of animals known to mourn the loss of their family and community members.   Countless species go through great lengths to protect and provide for their young.  Some going as far as sacrificing their own lives, just to prolong the lives of their children, when they could just as easily abandon them and save themselves the trouble.  Wait a second.... don't humans do that?  Humans; the only known species to conceptualize a "higher power", and also the only known species to purposely prevent the growth it's own species.  Hmmm....

You know, if this God you speak of, created us in his own image, or has this existence shit all planned out, he is one sick, and twisted, sadist.  I'd really rather not go there, though.  It's hard to stomach the idea behind debating the words and demands of someone, or something that isn't real.  Not like some people like to think it is anyway.  I don't have all of the answers, and I'm very confident that no one does.  The very most I am willing to admit to is that there is an origin.  It will never absolutely be within our reach of understanding.  There will always be that question, "But, what came before that?". 

Instead of wondering where I came from, I wonder where I'm going.  Instead of worrying about life after death, I worry about the life I'm living right now.   One day, I'd like to become a vegetarian because I don't like how we create life just to kill it and eat it, especially at the rate we do it.   I want to buy a farm and devote my life to rescuing and rehabilitating all kinds of animals.   I want to practice and enjoy lots of different kinds of art, more often, but I'll settle for a little spare time to spend taking in nature's awesome beauty.  I want to live a good life, and be a good person.  I don't need God's help, in fact, the confines of the church would probably just get in the way.

After a month, Beau went with his mom out to Alberta to stay with his Aunt.  We have spoken a few times over myspace, but we've since lost contact.  It's been almost 6 years since I've last spoken to him... so Beau, if you're reading this, facebook me you fucking homo! 

Uploaded 06/13/2013
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