Wrote this some years ago for a friend's e-zine. Figured you'd all either get a kick out of it, or flame my account out of existance. Enjoy!
God arrives lightly, jovially to the lithic walls in which contain his newest experiment. Cherubs, Seraphim, and Thrones all circle around Him, and His domain. Inside, the most heavily guarded secret in creation unfolds; the works and creation of Humanity.
Accompanied by his Seraphim, He walks up the first of three glass enclosures. In the pen, there are several prototypical human beings grabbing at each other, trying to wrestle their way to each other’s faces. As if on cue, one male grabs another’s face right up near the glass. The Seraphim look on, horrified, as the man forces a long tongue over the other’s surface. They become mortified when the second male submits to the first, allowing him to start forcing that tongue deeply into his eye socket. As he starts working it in a swirling fashion around the eye the seraphim step back aghast; the eye making a horrid slurping sound as it pops in and out, tears streaming down the man’s face. The horrible screams disturb everyone present, except God who simply looks upon His works, and smiles.
God walks on, leaving these two behind the glass to their fun, motioning to His followers to see the contents of the second enclosure. Inside, there’s all manner of savagery and violence everywhere; the angels become instantly timid, and sick at the sight. Males and females are grabbing at each other’s naked flesh, scratching, bleeding, and trying to force each other to the ground. A woman jumps on a man from behind, driving her teeth into the soft back of his neck. The man claws behind his head furiously, trying to free himself, visibly becoming more submissive. His limp hands, now bloodied and tired, rest against the window. Right in front of the viewers, the woman rips the flesh off of his nape; the man sinks to the ground in a whimper. Everyone, save God, gasps. She props herself up on her knees, the man’s head between them facing the ground. She’s grinding her sex into the man’s neck; blood running in streams down her thighs as she grinds. Her eyes start to slack, and she starts to grunt heavily and speed up. One of the angels gasps, sickly hand clasped over mouth as he sees another couple in the background; the man’s sex throbbing visibly just under the flesh on the small of the back of a submissive female, propped painfully on all fours.
Pleased with the sight, God notices the pale faces of His followers visibly disgusted with the scene and, after doddling a little, slowly ushers them disappointedly to the third pen. In this pen all manner of copulation is occurring everywhere. Each inch of the walls, windows, and every surface in the environment is occupied by copulating couples, and trios, and foursomes. Moving, liquid sound emanates from all over the floor. The glass and walls are strewn with jizsom; shit stains are everywhere. Men are sodomizing women, women are sodomizing men; women are sodomizing other women, and men other men. Women are orally stimulating each other, or sucking on men’s glands, or scratching and fondling anything within arm’s reach. Groups of individuals are participating in coitus in all manner of positions. The scene is odd, but not nearly as disturbing as in the last two pens. The angels look on, slightly puzzled, as a man is pressing a woman up against a corner of the glass in face to face congress, another man and woman positioned behind him, licking at his anus.
"Well, I really like the first format back there, but this is probably the best method for human reproduction; let's run with it."
The angels are shocked, and one interjects almost instantly, "But, the males are copulating with other males, females with other females… and look, that female is inserting her fingers up that male’s anus....”
The male in the corner is making a near constant pounding sound now. Elsewhere, someone is climaxing and making indistinguishable sounds of orgasm and utter joy. The angel continues amidst the sound, “…shouldn't we try to refine human copulation a little so as to ensure that they produce more offspring? Perhaps simply making men attracted only to females, and vice versa; something to ensure the species endures absolutely, and perfectly? If not, at least, more efficiently?!"
God waves a dismissive hand as He walks out of the lab.
"Bah, what's the point; they want to fuck like monkeys anyways, why should I bother over little, quibbly details which will ultimately make some of them unhappy. Besides, what do you think I'm doing here? Perfection? Perfection is an illusion; I am the only “perfect” being, and the only reason why I have the job has to do with the paradox of my Being being the one and only divine."
The angels follow closely, and turn off the lights as they leave the laboratory.