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I want to share a story with you. In my opinion, quite possibly the greatest story ever told.
but first, let me give you the conversation that lead up to the telling of this story:
friend:....no, I knew her...sparked her curiosity a while back
me: you could have at least lied to me
me: you suck as an erotica writer
friend: I am still in shock!
me: see, here's how it goes down:
friend: she was hot..
me: you answer the door....
me: she is delivering a pizza, you say "oh, but I don't have enough money!"
me: she'll say "well...we can think of something..."
me:*cue funky 70s music*
friend:well it was like porn
me:no it wasn't
me: MY story was like porn
friend: oh ok lol..
me: yours was like the waltons sex ed class
me: did I ever tell you about the notorious 'Vibrator" incident?
Ok, here is where the Greatest Story Ever Told comes in:
I was dating this chick...we'll call her Tits for now....and I was her 'first', or so she told me...now, with that said, as her 'first' I felt I was obligated to wreck the pussy. The reason is pretty simple: if done properly, for the rest of her life, everyone she is with will not measure up to me...and she'll tell them about it....and my legacy shall be born. I'm sure papers will be written, many urban legends will be born. Its an honour few people are able to take up.
It was a typical old fashioned date, I picked her up, we went out to eat, a movie, we did some light shopping, and headed back to my place. Now,,,when I say "my place" I really mean "Billy's Place" but it just sounds hotter to say "my place", you understand.
Billy, being the friend he is, wanted to get ol' Fatboy some ass. So he fixed up the storage room into the Casa de Fatboy.
He had it all decked out, candles, black lights, a huge bed with tons of pillows and blankets, oils and creams, great stereo system with music playing in the background, tons of mood CDs and....to top it all off...a fucking mirror ball. It was....a porn set.
*cue funky 70s music again*
Can ya dig it?
You have to know this part because, well it's important. Before our date, before the shopping and the food and the movie, I was again at Billy's house.
Billy and I had 'acquired' a vibrator. I call it The 'Do" short for the dildo. It was a pretty big vibrator but...it didn't vibrate enough for my liking, so Billy and I, being the geniuses we are, thought we should soup it up. So....minutes later we have that fucker torn open and a vast array of surgical equipment on the table, a midget in the corner, and a super vibrator that worked, not unlike a miniature jackhammer, portable for her pleasure!
Back to the porn set. I was working my magic, got her undressed and then...broke out The 'Do. I turned out the lights, blew out the candles and cranked the music way up...way way up.
Once we got into it, she was moaning and screaming so I thought "here....begins....your Legacy!" so I cranked the music up ALL the way....and really went to town. she was clawing, twitching, squirming and trying to back away but I held her it was great. or so i thought.
A few minutes later billy kicked the door in and just as i was about to give him a taste of The 'Do...he pointed at my date...who was holding herself and crying.
Apparently, when we had performed the Surgery, (thats what we call it...the surgery...ask us, we'll know EXACTLY what you're talking about)..we didn't put it back together right....oh we became instant electrical and mechanical engineers to fix it...soup it up etc.. but when we put it BACK together...we left a wire hanging out and it was delivering a lovely 110V to her twat.
Years later now, we laugh about it a good deal and tell the story periodically to people, I miss Billy.
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