Alright you little motherfuckers. Sit down and shut your big fat yappers. I see that a couple of you thought it would be pretty fucking funny sticking a kick me sign on my back and glue on my leather chair. I dare one of you bastards to just try kicking me. No, I double dare you. I swear to gods, I'll take a two-by-four to your kneecaps.
And just for the record, sitting in glue gives me a boner.
Anyways, last class I was explaining to you little shits about the awesomeness that Zeus is. But if you thought Zeus kicked ass now, wait until you hear about how he came to rule over Olympus.
In 1984, the Titans ruled everything. They had a 48-0 winning streak, and the Green-Bay fudgePackers never stood a chance. Meanwhile, on Olympus, 12 huge bastards ruled the sky and earth. They too were called Titans, since they decided to name themselves after the football team. Of course, in those days, the Titans didn't know when to stop fucking everybody, so there were twelve of them - six brothers and six sisters. Oh, they looked like regular Joes, but they could bench a few hundred thousand cars or something. That, and they were ridiculously hot. Imagine the hottest woman you've ever known. Now imagine goatse.
Yeah. That hot.
Don't ask me why, but the youngest one was named Kronos, and he was called 'Father Time'. I would have figured that the oldest titan would be called Father Time, but no, those fucking Greeks decided that their legends don't need to make any sense. "We're Greek, we built the Parthenon, therefore our stories are allowed to suck balls."
If it weren't for the kickassitude that Zeus had, I'd just fucking leave right now.
Anyways, Kronos was a pussy, so men were pretty damn happy. The springtime lasted all the year. The woods and meadows were always full of blossoms, and the music of singing birds was heard every day and every hour. It was summer and autumn, too, at the same time. Apples and figs and oranges always hung ripe from the trees; and there were purple grapes on the vines, and melons and berries of every kind, which the people had but to pick and eat.
Of course nobody had to do any kind of work. There was no such thing as sickness or sorrow or old age. Men and women lived for hundreds and hundreds of years and never became gray or wrinkled or lame, but were always handsome and young. They had no need of houses, for there were no cold days nor storms nor anything to make them afraid.
Nobody was poor, for everybody had the same precious things - the sunlight, the pure air, the wholesome water of the springs, the grass for a carpet, the blue sky for a roof, the fruits and flowers of the woods and meadows. So, of course, no one was richer than another, and there was no money, nor any locks or bolts; for everybody was everybody's friend, and no man wanted to get more of anything than his neighbors had.
When these happy people had lived long enough they fell asleep, and their bodies were seen no more. They flitted away through the air, and over the mountains, and across the sea, to a flowery land in the distant west. And some men say that, even to this day, they are wandering happily hither and thither about the earth, causing babies to smile in their cradles, easing the burdens of the toilworn and sick, and blessing mankind everywhere.
Yep. Kronos was a bleeding-heart pansy. Thank gods Zeus stepped in and fucking ruined it for mankind. Hell, Zeus was such a badass mofo that he started to say to himself, "Dude, this sucks! I wanna blow shit up! I'm gonna take out that old bastard and those eleven other twinks." You know how old he was?
1 year old. That's right. Zeus was gangsta straight out from the sandbox.
Know what else? Kronos was none other than Zeus' geriatric daddy. As soon as he was all growed up, he told that fat geek, Poseidon, and his other faggot goth brother, Hades, that they were going to ruin everybody's shit.
"Fine, let me get my Magic cards." said Poseidon.
"Very well. I seek the comfort of death anyway." Hades agreed.
"You guys are a couple of queers. Go hit the weights and come back when you're ready. I'm gonna go call up our sisters, 'cause they kick more ass than you do."
With that, Zeus called up Hera (the cunty future wife), Demeter (who had a whole bunch of farming equipment), and Vesta (the man-hating prude), to team up with him.
After looking at who Zeus had on his side, he rightfully decided that they were still going to get their asses kicked. So, in Zeus' infinite wisdom, he had a bunch of monsters named Cyclopes forging thunderbolts and shit in the mountains. If that wasn't enough, Zeus also called up three of his other buddies on their cellphones. They each had one-hundred hands, and he told them to throw rocks and trees and shit against the Titan stronghold.
Of course, Father fucking Time couldn't stand a chance. After ten years, they decided to get down on their knees and beg for peace, and Zeus was all like, "Suck it, bitches."
Then, Zeus decided to chain them up and toss them into a pit for eternity, while the cyclopes and hundred-handed pimps sat there in front of them playing Texas Hold 'Em.
At last, war broke out amongst mankind, and there was all kinds of kicking ass to be had. The Golden Age of the Pansies finally came to an end.
As Zeus sat there on his newly aquired throne, he saw the organized crime, the violence, and starving Indians. And there, he said to himself, "Aw yeah. That's how I roll."
Alright class. That's the end of today's lesson. Get the fuck out of here and make sure to come back for tomorrow's lesson or I'll smash your fingers.
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