I need to get out more often.  I've become to comfortable in my anti-social existance here, and can't seem to find my old out-going personality.


I think when I lost my party drive, I lost some of my social skills.  The other day I went to the local farmer's market, which is kinda famous because of Anna Olsen from the Food Network (she lives in my town... for some odd reason).   So we went there, and started looking around.   Every time I would stop walking, people would be bumping into me and getting in my personal space bubble, and it really really annoyed me. You know that awkward situation where you, and another person don't know if you're gonna go right or left, and end up trying to take the same way?  Well that's what it was like every second. I think when you become used to it, walking traffic flow seems to just work out with minimal issues.  Not me... I forgot how to drive in heavy traffic... and it showed.  I needed to get away from the crowd in order to catch my breath and stop physically shaking.  My boyfriend even seemed a little concerned with my reactions.... asking me if I was ok when shit got a little more crowded.


Eventually I was near panic.  I don't know why... it wasn't even too hectic.  I've always been claustrophobic, but not usually in public places... I'd have to be locked in a room, or stuck in something.   But I was here, and I was starting to get pale, and a little sick to my stomach.... if not controlled, I've been known to pass out, and nearly died one time choking on my own vomit... mmm great story huh?


Since I started dating Rob, my current bf, I haven't got out of the house much.  Neither of us hang out with friends, go to bars, or really do much of anything without the other person.  I feel paranoid when I leave the house without him.  I don't do it very often, and sometimes bad things happen.  For example the guy who pulled out of a parking lot, and stopped just to tell me I had a nice ass.  Or the guy who nearly hit me with his car, trying to squeeze out a right hand turn in between 2 cars at a red light.... two more steps and I would have been toast. I feel really insecure when he's not around to "protect" me, and it's getting a little weird.


I've also lost many social skills.  I used to be hilarious, easy going, and now I'm just weird and awkward.  I over think every conversation I have outside of the interwebs.  I don't relate to people anymore at all either.  Not even a little.  Since starting to date Rob, I've become enlightened, you can say, about this world, and how much I really do hate it.  My love for nature, and hate for the conveniences in modern society, has put me out to be a big ol hippy weirdo. Either that, or the weird quiet girl who seems like she wants nothing to do with the conversation.  I've lost quite a bit of listening skills too. I think too much, and it usually distracts me from what's being said to me at the time.


To return to my old ways, would make me a shitty person.  I would have to take interest in stupid shit that means nothing to me anymore.  I'd have to hold back from my real opinion on all the little things I've come to realize over the past 2 years.


Last week, I almost swore in a job interview. I came so close, the employer even stopped to look at me with surprise.  I caught myself... but it almost took his strange look to snap me out of it.  I've lost quite a bit of self conscience.  It's not that I don't think about what I say, I just don't think about what a person's reaction would be to it until it's too late.  I've never had a problem with that before.


I need to solve this.  I miss my out-going personality, and cheeky sense of humor.  I miss not over thinking things, and finding reasons to dislike people, instead of like them. As everyone knows, I feel pretty strongly against buying things you can't afford, and don't need... and it seems like everyone I come into contact with has nothing better to talk about than shopping trips and idle chit chat that couldn't mean less to me, where I used to be able to participate in the conversation.  Now I'm just a "right on" kinda person.


Any suggestions?  I don't want to be shallow... just a little more social.



Uploaded 09/22/2010
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