Guide to workplace personalities

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The Informer -You do not want to tell this person anything that you do not want the entire workplace to know about. This person can, however, be manipulated easily to spread false yet complimentary rumors like sexual prowess, penis and cup size as well as attractive coworkers you have slept with...


The Whiner -This person is simply not happy unless they are unhappy. This person is always good for a laugh after they leave the room since they usually whine about ridiculously stupid stuff like stapler theft and computer problems.


The Joker -This person is always trying to keep people in a good mood regardless of the situation and is usually good enough to at least coax a smile out. This person however can be rather annoying if the other person does not want to be cheered up due to the fact that their dog died or a family member got ran over by a steam roller.


The Evangelist -Any person who mentions Jesus' name more than 300 times in a two minute conversation.


The Midlife Crisis Guy -This guy is usually in his 50s and named Skip. He consistently chases after women that are way out of his league, drives a sports car that he can barely fit in and has a bad comb over and/or bad toupee,and has an earing or gold chain because he thinks it's “cool” and that the aforementioned ladies like it.


The Wannabe -This person is pretty pathetic and consistently allows the management to take advantage of him by being their whipping boy. All this abuse is taken with a smile and the hope of advancement although everyone knows it will never happen.


Building Maintenance -Although not technically a personality, these guys know more about what's going on in the building than most managers. They always know who's getting fired and whether the coffee is fresh and unlike the informer most of their information is dead on accurate. It's amazing how you tend to not think about the guy emptying your trash as having a set of ears.


The Perfectionist -Many times this personality is in management and is never happy with results even if they are the best. For example in the event of a 98.5% accuracy with a goal of 90% the perfectionist would seriously ask what happened to the other 1.5%. The perfectionist is statistically the main reason that employees decide to bring an automatic weapon to work for show and tell.


The Criticizer -This person will always disagree with any plan you have regardless of merit, yet will not be able to explain why. This person is very easy to manipulate however by simply using reverse psychology and taking the opposite stance of what you really want.


The Victim -Paranoia runs rampant in this person's psyche. He or she believes that everything and everyone is out to get them. Nothing that happens to this person in their own mind can be attributed to incompetence or laziness on their part, only the fact that noone likes them and wants them to be fired. Those coworkers around them do want them gone but just because they get sick of hearing about the conspiracy theories on a constant basis.


The Stuck Up Snob -No one loves this person half as much as they love themselves. Their cubicle, home and any web space they have is littered with pictures of only themselves and lots of mirrors to admire themselves like they believe everyone else does. In reality most everyone looks down on this individual and pathetically arrogant.


The Slut -This person is like riding a bike, everyone has tried it at least once. Even though this person is a little on the skanky side, they are useful and can be consulted before buying any sex toys or similar equipment since they surely have experience and knowledge in that area.


Uploaded 05/10/2008
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