How I shit my pants on a date and they thought I was jerking off in the stallI went on a date Sunday night and was drinking some imported beers apparently they have a funny effect on my digestive system...

I go to the bathroom to take a leak and I am feeling really relaxed and warm like only a good hefeweizen can make you feel. Then I start one of those long farts bc i was holding them in for like 2 hours because of the girl. So I am standing there feeling no pain letting it all out.

i guess the feeling of letting all the gas out was too good for me to stop so I kept pushing for a few extra seconds and then I am like, "Wait a minute this feels a lil too relieving, I must have let a lil out"

So I put the toilet the paper to my ass thinking maybe there is a little wetness and there is thick mud everywhere... Literally Holy SHIT...

So I grab the handicap bar and I am bent over furiouisly wiping my ass with these primitive pieces of paper. I didnt even know this was possbile but some guard relized that my feet are facing the wrong direction and I guess they think I am either jerking off or doing coke... So they start banging on the stall door and yelling at me to come out. Meanwhile I am filling the toilet with pads of dirty paper from my ass and my underpants are a fucking mud pile and I am still bent in some funny position trying to get my ass as clean as possible.

Its at this point that I realize a clean ass is just not going to happen with these primitive dry pieces of paper so I give up on a clean ass and i just want an ass that wont smell too bad in public.

I open the door and some bouncer is there and the bathroom attendent and they just look at me. I think at first they wanted to drag me out by my neck but I opened the door holding up my mud filled underwear and that put them in shock....

So I tell everyone in the bathroom probably like 9 guys that I am on a date and I shit mypants pretty bad....

First the giant bouncer laughs then the bathroom attendent then every guy in the bathroom is laughing....

This whole process takes like 20 minutes.

So I get back to the girl and I make up some excuse that somebody threw up in the bathroom and there was a huge line, blah blah blah, I buy her a shot.... she forgets or at least doesnt seem to care...

Then all of the sudden all of the guys from the bathroom start coming up to me and buying me drinks and shots bc they think my story is hilarous. 

So armed with a bunch of new friends I march over to the beer pong table and insist that the game is taking too long and that flip cup is the much better choice.
(The bar had a rooftop lounge and that night they had some games up there.)

So I manage to meet a bunch of girls and get them hammered, all the while making out with my date.

But can I take advantage of all my drunk new girlfriends or even my date. No, I know that if my pants were to come off, the residual crusted mud on my ass would make them gag.

Alone, I drive home.