I just need to say that I am you.  I am everything about you.  I am your job, your house, your car.  I am your son.  I am your father.  You know what?  I don't like me.  So, I don't like you.

That's kind of an odd paradox, huh?  Don't you guys think that the idea that Subway is fresh is ridiculous?  Does taking the meat out of a tub and microwaving it in front of me make it fresh?  I'm not sure, but no one has sued for false advertising as far as I know.

I don't believe in headaches.  Ever since I stopped believing in them, I stopped getting them.

One of the biggest waste of taxpayer dollars is the printing of "No Parking Any Time" signs.  Why don't they save some paint (i.e. some $) and just say, "No Parking Ever"? 

The other day, I was walking through downtown Eden when I saw Elvis Presley riding a velociraptor.  I knocked both of their asses out.  I only like Christmas music.

When I was born, the doctor said that I had a 20% chance of survival.  I poisoned him with the chemical I had been brewing for 7 and a half months in my mother's womb.  The nurse gave me twenty bucks.

I once saw a sasquatch and I shot it.  I tried to carry her body out, but it was too heavy.  I went to get some help and  came back, but when I did, two wolves were eating the carcass.  I shot the wolves but the gunshot alerted their wolf gang to my presence, and a pack of thirty one wolves emerged from the blackberry thicket to my immediate right.  I capped one wolf, but was immediately bit in the armpit by his brother.  I apologized and the wolves let me leave.

Remember when Kramer cancelled his mail?  My dad was a mailman.  I hate Seinfeld.