Something pretty interesting happened this morning. It was around 8:00 and I was busy preparing my kid a little breakfast when the phone rang. I figured that at this hour it must be someone I know who knows I have the day off, so I picked it up without looking at the caller ID.

I was greeted by some asshole with a gruff voice, asking me a few questions about newspaper subscriptions.  I said I was sorry, didn't have time to answer any questions, and was going to end it at that.

The fellow, quite determined (probably on commission....assholes) says that he understands and will just "put me down" for a one month trial. I've heard some shitty pressure pitches in my day, but this one was a little too pushy. "No...I don't want the paper. Don't sign me up." I told him. He continued saying how great a deal I would get and how it wasn't very expensive, closing on the same "I'll sign you up" business.

I've got a kettle boiling on the stove, a hungry kid in a chair and an asshole on the phone. Waaaay too much to deal with on a day off. He kept stating, very angrily, how stupid it would be not to take the deal as it was "soooo cheap". So, I told him in a very unpolite way to not send me the paper. (I did throw in a few off-handed quips about his wife's sexual habits and the realiability of his penis, but that's not important.) Anyway, the cockbag on the other line throws a world-class hissy, telling me how he's only trying to make money selling papers and that I'd be an asshole to pass it up.

Enough was enough. I told him to put on his supervisor, but he said to fuck myself and hung up. (Salesmen, am I right?) I foget about the asshole for the next hour, when he calls back to try again. He said he would give me "one last chance" to save big on the subscription, even though I was rude. I told him no again, and asked him to remove me from his call list. He then breaks into ANOTHER barrage of swears and name-calling before hanging up on me again.

Fuck that.

When the wife got home, I decided it was time to go on down to the local paper office and make a formal complaint. I (eventually) spoke to some douche in charge of subscriptions who then asked me to wait in his office while he sorted it all out. He comes back about ten minutes later with the fucking guy on the phone! You should have seen this piece of shit: fat, slobby and somewhat under-educated. He starts sweating when he realizes who I am. He tried to back-pedal and says it wasn't him, but they pulled his phone logs and listened to the whole conversation. He goes white as a sheet, looks like he's going to piss, and stares at the desk.

"So," the manager-guy asks me. "How do we proceed with this?"

A few things go through my mind. I'd love to see this piece of shit fired and shamed out of his "job"....but then again, what purpose would that serve me? He's already been found out and he obviously knows I bested him. So what to do? The economy sucks, jobs are slim to find here, and this crap-stick seems like he really needed this one. My previous rage gone, I decided I didn't want him fired, but to keep him on observation for further asshole-y action. The manager looked a little pissed, but told him that if it happened again he would be fired. He then went on to apologize for his employee's actions and gave me a free year-long subscription to the paper. The manager asked me to sign something, apologized again and left the room for a few minutes. The worker, to my surprise, stuck out his hand, thanked me and said he was sorry. Being the childish shit I am, I told his to fuck his mother and made fun of his size. (Hey....I'm not a fucking humanitarian.)

So, I think deep down I did the right thing....minus the instigation at the end there. (That was all for The Big Bad.) I'm not sure why I had the change-of-heart because my main goal in going down was to get this sack of monkey shit fired. I, on a daily basis, ruin people's days and/or lives making decisions for them due to their actions. I'm not sure why this one was different. But hey....free paper!

Thanks for reading,

-The Big Bad