Me: How can I help you today, maam?
Client: Is e-mail internet?
Me: I beg your pardon?
Client: Is e-mail on the internet? I have no internet, can I still read my e-mail?
Me: Well yes, you must be able to get online to view your e-mail.
Client: Oh, dear. I cant see my e-mail.
Me: Well, lets see. Can you open up Internet Explorer for me and tell me what you see?
Client: Open what?
Me: Your browser, can you open up your browser?
Me: What you click on when you want to browse the internet?
Client: I dont use anything, I just turn my computer on, and its there.
Me: Okay. Do you see the little blue e icon on your desktop?
Client: You mean I have to start writing letters again?
Me: Imwhat, Im sorry?
Client: I dont have any pens at my desk. I just want my e-mail again.
Me: No, maam, your desktop, on your computer screen. Can you click on the little blue e on your computer screen for me?
Client: Oh, this is too much work. Im too upset. Just send me my e-mail. Cant you send me my e-mail?
Me: Weokay, maam. Can you tell me what color the lights are on your router right now?
Client: My what?
Me: The little box with green or possibly a couple of red lights on it right now - its most likely near your computer?
Client: Lights and boxes, boxes and lights, just get my e-mail for me.
Me: My test is showing that you should be able to get online right now. Can you tell me what youre seeing on your computer screen?
Client: Its been the same thing for the last two hours.
Me: An error message?
Client: No, just stars. Its black and moving stars.
Me: Do you see your mouse next to your keyboard?
Me: Move it for me.
Client: Move it?
Me: Yes. Move it.
Client: My e-mail!
Fuck these people and their money they spend on amazing shit that they have no idea how to use.