There's a few things I've never understood about most people's feelings, and I think I have to get them out here. I am by no means a hateful person, in fact I've never hated anyone, even those who have mistreated me severely even tormented me from the time i was a child with relentless psychological abuse to the effect that i literally stoped growing for many years. I've never been bitter about anything anyone did to me. But that said, out of everyone I've ever known I can only honestly say I have loved one person. just one. family included.
I notice alot of people bandy that word about alot. they use it to describe all manner of feeling for liking to infatuation to a feeling of responsibility. Maybe I hold it too much in reserve, or I don't understand, but to me love is suposed to be an emotion seperate from the others. While any kind of liking or infatuation can turn to disinterest or hatred, or be turned into jelousy or obsession, love just is. it can't be made to be anything negative, it can't give birth to negative emotions and it can't make you feel anything but joy for the fact that you feel it. I've heard alot of people curse the fact that they love someone and I think that can't be right.
Although I don't hate, I've at least felt some sort of resentment or usually indiference toward almost everyone at one time or another.
I don't understand this thing people do where they sepearte love into categories and make it seem like there are diferent ways of it. to me you either do or don't love someone. It irritates me how people feel it out of obligation, or think they do. mst people claim to love thier families. myself, I respect some of them that earned it, I apreciate the choice my parents made to have me and to keep me in sustenence until I didn't need them anymore, I wouldn't downplay the importance of that. they have my thanks for that. But not love. I can't help how I feel, and they never made me feel love. for awhile I felt childish devotion, but I got over it.
Some people I know might be deserving of love, but it doesn't work that way. they may have done plenty to make my life easy, and there are few people who have done that, but that doesn't make me love them. I can't help how I feel, or explain it really.
People do the same nonsense with thier children. They think they are obligated to love them. Listen, it's wonderfu if you love your children if you really do, but dont feel like you have to love them because they're yours. because that isn't real love it's empty nonsense. your obligated to care for them until they don't need you, but love may come or it may not. I certainly hope you love your children, but don't go making yourself think you do if you do not.
I may never know what that's like so maybe I have no right. Because of a genetic deformity, I produce no sperm. I will never have children of my own in the truest sense. but the genetics doesn't make the parent. I know that well. The people who raised me weren't my flesh and blood parents, though they tried too but they failed. If I adopt children someday, they'll be my children as much as any i would have made with my own genetic material if I had the ability. I sincerely hope I love them and they love me, but nothing is certain.
Another point that confuses me is people's tendancy to have this all emcompasing humans first mentality. I don't personally go outof my way to ruin people's lives, and in fact I often go out of my way to help perfect strangers or people I don't even like. That said, when the choice is between a human and a non human animal people tend to value the human, even if they have no connection to them. I wish people well, but if the choice is between my dog or a human I've never met, of course I'm going to help my dog. Afterall, he's aprt of my family. It would be like asking someone if they would help thier own child or a grown man they've never met. there just isn't any contest.
I don't know if my priorities are screwed up, or I lack some capacity for feeling, but I have little to no compassion for humans, no matter thier degree of suffering. To me life is just competition, many are going to get hurt, but for my part I won't compete beyond my means. If I have to cause suffering to sustain myself and my family then I will. It's nothing personal, I only do what needs doing. If it's outside that, I really don't care. I can admit it's reasonably sad, but I don't feel it.
I rarely feel much compassion and I don't know if perhaps I'm dead inside. It just feels practical to me. I've had enough of this rant for now.