If Ebaums were a bar.... Part 3


Now we visit the Lobby.  That's right, the features and the users who comment there.


This list is far too long for me to be thorough with, so I will touch on the highlights that I have observed, during my 6am-3pm work day in the glorious non-time-zone ass state of AZ.



Here are the precursers to this blog in case you missed them:





The Lobby

The beginning....


Like any bar, when you first walk in, you see the main room.  Games on the TV's or some other video that might catch your attention for a few more minutes, long enough to buy one more drink.  That is the goal here.  To get you from one feature TV to another... the longer you stay the more you click, the more money Eric and his team of evil elves makes.  Check out one more feature, one more gallery, or go sit in the Lounge a bit.


People chatter nearby, most wanderers come in, check out the features, have one drink and leave without saying a word.  Sometimes a one-liner pops out about the feature.  This is how it starts for most of us.


But then something weird happens... we start to listen a little bit.  We hear a comment here or there, and then we feel the need to ask the age-old dying question....


"What the fuck are you guys talking about?"

"You guys are surrounding a TV set, with a particular feature on it, and you're NOT TALKING ABOUT THE FEATURE!!!  Are you guys fucking retarded?  You sit around this feature and fucking chat?  What fucking morons!!!!  You guys are like 12 year old kids standing around the flag pole bitching and complaining and acting bad and talking crap about everyone.  WTF????"


And then it happens... oh yeah... those commenters turn toward you... slowly... putting their hands on their keyboards.... eyeballing you... and then it starts...


Someone speaks up about fucking your mother... then someone laughs and agrees with them. 

Someone pops out and talks about different ways they would like to watch you die... and you retaliate with shitty comments filled with lame insults that have been muttered many many times before by many others just like you.  They rape you, you fight back.  That is how it begins...


If you are like most... you come back the next day and fight some more... day after day, battling with these idiots because they are stupid asses who don't talk about the feature... but then you realize a key fact...

Your last two weeks here, and 200 comments later, and you can see that not one comment you have made has been about the features!  All you have been doing is arguing with these assholes.  Then someone walks in and blasts YOU for not commenting on the feature... then you rip into them, with the help of your new-found "friends"  That's it, you are hooked.  You are now a shit-talking bastard at ebaums.  Congratulations!!!!  You have made into an elite club of addicted douchebags, like myself.


I see this happen daily.  Truthfully, I kinda enjoy watching the process.




Infamous Posters...



There are many unique characters here... some are famous for their style, others infamous...


Like Lord_Infamous.  This guy walks in one day and sends everyone a bunch of links to his pictures on facebook... (if you want to see them, just ask around, I will refrain from posting the link here) a goofy, jackass persian who for some reason thinks very highly of himself.  Then it happens, he morphs, into a persona that noone can understand.  

His shtick works for those who didn't see his entrance.  For those who fall for this trickery, they are roped in and can't help but tell him how lame he is.  But that doesn't stop from spewing such gems as "I AM RIPPED AS FUCK BRO, MAD BITCHES RIDING MY JOCK AS CARRY MY .40 GLOCK AND BRING PAIN TO BITCHES LIKE YOU!  TRILL AS FUCK BRUH!"  Which is just plain funny to those who know his true nature, and extremely annoying to those who don't.

He posts weird in-the-dark side shots of his flabby torso thinking it makes him look bad-ass.  Many many mock avatar pictures have come from this douchebag, but not nearly as many as the beloved, and missed.... RJ!!!! 


I think his name was RJ300i or something like that.  Poor kid.  At the start, he was very kind, mellow commenting, and as girls would say... sweet.  Which here at ebaums is like gently trying to put out a brush fire by drinking turpentine and pissing on it.

The flames erupted quickly.  Every comment of his was bashed... His avatar was ripped to shreds, and more than 100 people had came in wearing RJ costumes for the next few months (my personal favorite being Ron_Jeremy_RJ).  Finally, the staff had to put an end to all mock-RJ profiles and groups and blogs...

He is gone now, RIP RJ.


Another infamous poster who got avatar-spanked alot was JC!  ITSMEJC, hung in there though.  He kept coming back for more, and when his picture was raped, he would post another.  Always talking in caps when he got mad.  Contantly threatening to "MEET YOU HALF WAY HOMIE!  AND FUCK YOU UP!".  His grammar and spelling were atrocious, and his ability to piss people off was immeasurable.  Talking to him outside of the bar, would shed a different light on him, he was actually a decent guy, but easily coming in 3rd for the most infamous, and most mocked/copied profile ever. 


Another infamous poster is named Mike111777.  Or Mikegina as the regulars refer to him.  Constantly spouting about his superiority, and posting lame pics of him in an 1980 benz, talking about how only losers have jobs, and his daily trips to starbucks, and his fake university degrees and hot girlfriends.  Classic.


How about that guido IASFREPIV1239?  He came up with that classic XBOX360 line that has been copied over and over.  Never has it been posted, when some unsuspecting noob will reply with "If you do a 360, you are facing it again!  Try a 180 dumbass!"  Classic... Every one of his posts is along the same lines as "You want the honest truth? I'm made of win and your all a bunch of faggots. I win, you lose, get used to it. "  He couldn't hang with the flash-bang of comments he receives and doesn't post nearly as much as the other infamous ones...


Other lesser known infamous users were PBpirate, GodOfKetchup, cglkapt, dildozer, and slaught.  Most are gone, and haven't been in for a drink in a long time, except dildozer... who is now banned.



In our next installment, we will take a look at the lesser-known, yet still vital members of the Lobby, who make every visit, one to remember....


Keep drinkin....

Uploaded 01/06/2009
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