If Everyone Were Like Me.....

Our story takes place at Matt's house. Matt and Matt are sitting on the couch drinking beer. Matt comes downstairs.


MATT 1: Hey, Matt.
MATT 2 & MATT 3: Hey.
MATT 1: Wh-.... are you guys drinking my beer?
MATT 3: Yeah, you were late, so we decided to play some Kings. Matt just got an Ace, so you can join in on the waterfall.

*Matt 2 and Matt 3 high-five each other*

MATT 1: Fuck you guys, I bought that beer for myself. You should know it's my favorite beer, so buy your own shit next time.
MATT 2: You bought a case of beer for yourself?
MATT 1: So what if I did?
MATT 3: God, you're such a dick.
MATT 1: Cheap bastards....
MATT 2: Sit down and get drunk with us. It's not like you have anything better to do.
MATT 1: *Sigh* Whatever. You guys are lightweights anyway, so I know I can take you.

*4 beers later*

MATT 1: Dude, I am SOOOOOOOOOO hammered.
MATT 3: Seriously man, we gotta even out this sausage-fest. Know any chicks?
MATT 2: I can call Matthina. She's got some pretty cute friends too.
MATT 3: Matthina? God, she's such a slut. I mean, we all fucked her.
MATT 1: So what's the problem?
MATT 3: At the same time.
MATT 1: So what's the problem?
MATT 3: And then you guys sucked me off while she fingered my asshole.
MATT 1: Oh yeah..... so what's the problem?
MATT 3: ......... you don't think that's a little gay?
MATT 2: Dude, what does it matter? We're all the same guy. It's no different than sticking your legs behind your head and-
MATT 3: OK!! Give her a call.

*Matt 2 leaves the room to call Matthina and friends*

MATT 1: Say, Matt. You look a little tense. Want a backrub?
MATT 3: Fuck off.
MATT 1: My dick hurts. Think you can give it a massage?
MATT 3: I said fuck off.
MATT 1: *Laughs* Just remember.... every time you masturbate, you're inadvertantly giving me a handjob.
MATT 3: I swear, I'm going to punch you in the face if you say one more thing that's gay. I dare you to say something. Seriously, I dare you.
MATT 1: ................
MATT 3: ............
MATT 1: ........
MATT 3: That's what I th-
MATT 1: Homo.

*Matt 3 grabs Matt 1 by the throat and throws him on the ground. Both begin swinging their fists like a couple of girls. They begin to wrestle and eventually pin themselves into a corner. Matthina and two of her friends show up with Matt 2 trailing behind.*

MATT 2: What..... the hell?
MATT 1: Don't ask. Can you help us up? We're a little stuck.
MATTHINA: Uh.... alright then. While you boys do your thing, I gotta go take a dump.

*Matthina leaves*

MATT 3: Seriously, that girl has no class.
MATT 2: *Helps Matt 1 up* Yeah..... isn't she great?
MATT 1: I'm turned on.
MATT 2: Oh, almost forgot.... guys, this is Mattisha and Mattoya. Matthina figured you guys had a thing for ethnic chicks.
MATT 3: Damn.... she's a good guesser.
MATTISHA: *Giggles* 'Scuse us.

*Mattisha pulls Mattoya aside*

MATTISHA: I'm 'bout to bust that bitch Matthina in the face.
MATTOYA: *Stupid neck-thing* Mmmmhmm. Never SEEN so much ugly in one room before.
MATT 2: Hey guys, whatcha talking about?
MATTOYA: Uh.... well........
MATT 2: Ah, I get it. Girl stuff. We can deal with that. Hey, you wanna play some Super Smash Brothers?


And so, our heroes played Super Smash Brothers Brawl and drank beer on into the night. In a twist of irony, all of them played as the same character. Upon leaving the bathroom, Matthina was attacked by moths and ran from the house screaming like a...... Matt. After getting the girls plenty drunk, Matt and Matt ended up getting laid while Matt sat in a corner and tried to see if he could really get his legs behind his head.

Somehow he ended up severing the top of his spinal column and he died minutes later.

Nobody noticed.

Uploaded 06/09/2008
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