"My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime
has been completed.

      Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our
mission in Iraq is complete.

      This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American
forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to
begin the reckoning.


      Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries
which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short . The
United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the
countries listed there.

      The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the
world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing
copies of both lists later this evening.

      Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those
nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during
the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN
EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IT'll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO
BROKE IN 20 YEARS.

      The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
Hell holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

      Need help with a famine ? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France

      In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money
toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home . On that note,
a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and
eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

      Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China

      I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France
, Germany , and Russia Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from
NATO as well Bonne chance, mezamies.
      I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN
diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking
tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed..
I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens
of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your
precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop
shops in the world. I love New York

      A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely
to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing
us off for a change.

      Mexico is also on List 2 its president and his entire corrupt government
really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra thousand tanks
and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em?
Yep, border security.

      Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty -
starting now.

      We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling
for oil in Alaska- which will take care of this country's oil needs for
decades to come.. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision,
I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there.

      It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, 'darn
tootin.'

      Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the
world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the
planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America It is time to eliminate
homelessness in America To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you
guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

      To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to
speak Arabic.

      God bless America . Thank you and good night."