If The Bible Was Written Like An Adult Film

Shalom everyone. (Thats Jewish for what up) Had a thought with a friend a few minutes ago and thought i'd lay it on you.

I'm sure you've all heard that phrase "He laid with her in the Biblical sense" implying that they engaged in some serious C to the oitus.  Now, my first thought was, ok, they can't say "jesus and mary fucked all night long" in the bible, cause that might throw a few people for a loop; but I also began to think maybe it's because the guys that wrote the bible were real horny and wanted to pack it full of sex.

After some in depth analysis (14 seconds on google), it became clear that my theory of an overly sexed bible was pretty much right on the money (shot).  Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua, Judges; the list goes on of chapters of the Bible that reference sexual acts.  All this sex talk and what not got me thinking, what if today's modern Pornographic Authors were the ones who wrote the Bible?  Think how some of our most well known religious stories would have changed.

The Virgin Mary and the Immaculate Conception would suddenly become Little Miss Mary and the Missing Contraception.  Mary, a younger girl with a loving husband, suddenly has her toilet and sink begin to overflow.  She calls her repair company and a plumber by the name of Goyam Odipitus shows up; God for short.

"I hear you've got a problem with your sink" Said God "I'm here to lay pipe"

Mary Replied "Well God, it seems like you've got the TOOLS to get the job done"

"Seems like you're pretty wet already.....must have been a burst pipe" Said the Lord

"I haven't seen any shafts explode least not yet" Offered Mary

Cue 1970's porno funk groove.

Just in general I think I would know a lot more about the bible if it was cooler like that.  Why hasn't someone written the updated modern day bible?  I mean Passion of the Christ was intense, but all that made me feel was guilty, not interested in religion.  Anyway, just thought I'd let you guys in on that one.  Some funny altered Bible versus below just for laughs, feel free to leave your own in the comments.


Leviticus 8:14 "And God came unto Mary and said "Ever seen one this big before baby?" And it was good.  He then came unto her face.

John 14:6 "Moses came down from the hill from which he received the laws of man by the Lord and began to read. "Commandment 1.....No Fat Chicks"  The crowd let out a loud sigh, and it was good."

Uploaded 08/08/2008
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