I only got a few hours of sleep last night, even with the Trazadone. I might have to get promoted to a proper sleeping pill instead of an off label use for an SARI.
Having it out with my wife again, talking to my daughter, and thinking about the rash of shit I'm going to get in the near future has got my mind red lining.
My daughter told me she feels partially responsible for the divorce. I was forced into the role of disciplinarian in my family. My wife doesn't do shit in that department. That's fine, you kind of fall into roles in a marriage. I fucking hate being disciplinarian, but she mostly pays the bills. I'll be she hates that too. My daughter told me if I yelled or punished her, she'd run to my wife and complain about me.
I told her that's not why the divorce is happening. That's not why people divorce. I wanted to tell her, "Don't worry, honey, your mother just wants to fuck a lot of different guys right now." Of course, that would make me a monster, true or not. I told her that her mother has her problems, I have my problems, and it's those that are splitting up the family.
I wish my son were a little older. It would be easier to talk to him about this shit.
I have another consultation with a lawyer on Tuesday.
The first lawyer I saw has a reputation as a real stand up guy. The guy I see next week is Hannibal Lector with a law degree.
Insomnia is hard. It makes it difficult to concentrate during the day. It makes it harder to engage with the kids. It makes it hard not to be emotional and lose my temper. I'm pretty emotionally ragged, for obvious reasons. Sleeping from 11 - 1, laying in bed until 2:00, then getting up and doing laundry and cleaning the house until 3:00, and then laying down for an hour or so doesn't help me with depression and anger.
The divorce is on. Even if she tried to reconcile, I'd call bullshit. She doesn't look the same, she doesn't dress the same, she doesn't act the same, she doesn't even listen to the same kind of music as she used to. She has literally become a different person than the one I married. I don't like this person. I don't want to be married to her.