I'm always hearing people wish they were taller, and that pisses me off. Trust me, you don't wanna be taller. Not even a little bit. You know why? You gotta deal with a bunch of bullshit:


-People ask you questions:

There's two questions I'm asked every single day of my life. Every. Single. Day.

1. Do you do radio? No, but I've got a good face for it. That's my response. When you're tall, a lot of times your vocal cords are stretched out, giving you a deep voice. Yea I talk like Barry White, wanna fight about it?

2. How tall are you? I tell them. Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure. Oh, I've got a broth-you know what? I don't care. The end. Moving on.


- Fittin' into stuff:

Whether its stooping below doorframes or fitting into cars, it's better to be shorter. I went car shopping a couple months ago, and could only fit into about five or six cars. I used to wanna be a fighter pilot, but I found out I was too tall.

You remember that movie Big, with Tom Hanks? He wishes to be taller so he can ride a roller coaster. Imagine the opposite. That's me. Too bad there's no Zoltar machine around here.


-Everyone's shorter than you:

Actually, that's kinda fun.



-Buying Clothes:

Do you have any idea how hard it is to buy shorts when you're this tall? I'm thin, so finding shorts with a 32 waist that aren't 12 inches above my knee is impossible.

I wear size 15 shoes. Yea. Size 15. Luckily I'm a shoe salesman. I can get myself hooked up.


-Fittin' into stuff part 2:

Yea, yea, I know. But hey, this is important. You know when you go to the gym there's an adjuster for the seat so you can fit in it correctly? Yea, can't fit into those either.

Good thing I don't work out.

Speaking of fitting into stuff (zing), my girlfriend is 5'6. I tower over her.


Man, I'd do anything to be a little bit shorter.