It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, My Ass

  This afternoon, I parked my cab outside a pizza joint on Philly's south side.  I had heard this freaking radio commercial all morning advertising a pizza buffet.  It was so annoying and persistent that I had to check it out.  Goddamn advertisers won that round.  I threw some change in the meter and headed inside.  I received an instant feeling of disappointment.  In the center of the diner, a long silver trough lit by red heat lamps stole the show.  I stepped closer to the trough and the booger infested sneeze guard came into view.  "Lovely!" I thought to myself.  A pimply faced 19 year old boy took my finski and handed me the finest paper china I had seen all day.  I found a seat, filled my 8 ounce ruby red plastic cup with ice and RC, and took my place in line at the trough.   

   A portly young lady was directly in front of me.  She had a 3 year old on her hip and two plates in her hand.  She was dressed in low rise pants made for someone half her size and a shirt that would barely fit her son.  She turned back my direction and yelled, "Ma!  Ma!  They don't have Canadian about regular bacon?"  I turn to see an extremely obese woman on a three wheel cart nodding her head while bouncing a new born on her lap.  I grimaced.  The portly girl then bends down to ask her son something and her low rise jeans have no shot.  They fold like a deuce-six in Hold'em.  The girls crack and disgusting thong pop out.  I'm thinking, "This is bad, right?"  Then she reaches back, itched her butt crack, rubs the back of her sons head, and proceeds to pick up some pizza.  I get out of line, toss the plate at the pimply faced kid, and head out the door.  I pat myself on the back for another successful Philadelphia lunch; always sunny my ass.  Thanks Mac.  

    I get back in my cab, turn on the "TAXI" light, and look for a fare.  I get about two blocks away from "butt crack pizza" and see a young black guy with his hand up.  He had on some colorful garb and some funky shades.  I thought he looked harmless.  I pull over and he runs and jumps in the back seat.  He yells, "Yo Holmes to..."  I pull a gun from my waist band and shove it in his grill.  I said, "Look motherfucker, you are not going to Fresh Prince roll me!"  A look of fear comes over the young man's face and he said, "Hey buddy take it easy.  I wasn't gonna do that.  I swear to you."  I smirked, "Yeah right.  This shit has been happening to me for a year, I just wasted my lunch break, and I'm not going to fall for it."  He hung his head and said, "OK, you're right I was going to do that.  I'm sorry."  Then he smiled and quickly pulled out his own gun.  

   I was scared now.  This fucker had a crazed look in his eye.  I said, "Now what brother?"  He said, "I tell you what now.  You're taking me to Bel-air."  With a look of bewilderment, I nervously said, "Fuck you.  Get out of my cab!"  I knew my gun wasn't loaded.  I was fairly certain this crazy douche knuckle was packing a full boat.  He winked at me, flicked my fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view mirror, and un-cocked his gun.  I breathed a sigh of relief and wiped the sweat from my brow.  My passenger began laughing and a smile came to my face to.  I looked in the mirror and said, "That was intense, dude.  I got something better for you though."  He looked up; I locked the doors and floored the accelerator.  We screeched off down the busy street.  He started beating on the back of my seat yelling, "Slow down you crazy fuck!"  I laughed and flipped on the tape deck.  The speakers pop to life with the sweet, sweet sound of, "Never gonna give you up.  Never gonna let you down.  Never gonna run around and desert you.  Never gonna make you cry.  Never gonna say goodbye.  Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you."

Uploaded 02/21/2010
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