Jehovah's Witnesses

I can't stand Jehovah's Witnesses.  I can not express my contempt for them.  While I advocate free speech, there also should be some consideration on the part of the free speaker whether or not you are an annoying asshole.  When you come to knock on my door while I'm sleeping, or stop me in the parking lot on the way to my car, you better have a legitamate reason for stopping me.  I understand your religion is important to you, but goddammit I've been alive long enough to have my own opinions and I really do not want or need your help in figuring it out.  Thanks, but no thanks.  Now get out of my face before I shove that flier up your ass.

My first Jehovah's Witness experience happend a few years ago.  I had stayed out late on a Friday night getting hammered, and went to bed some time in the wee hours of the morning.  At exactly 8 a.m. on Saturday morning, a hard rapid knock makes me break out of my coma.  I assume my apartment complex must be on fire, or the police are looking for me, or something equally urgent.  I stumble out of bed, and hear another pounding at the door.  I stagger to the door, wearing only boxer-briefs with my hair sticking straight up, and crack it open a few inches to see who is delivering this urgent news.  As I squint into the day light I see no one, then I look down and see a little old lady who is probably in her 80's.  She says "Have you found Jesus?" holding some fliers in her hand.  Right at that moment my cat shoots through the crack in the door.  That's when I start shouting a string of random profanities, "GODDAMMIT!!!  SHIT!!!  FUCK!!!"  The old lady jumps when I do this and nearly has a heart-attack.  I swing the door open all the way and she sees me in my boxers.  I go out a few feet and scoop up my cat, meanwhile, some other dude was standing off to the side who I didn't see before.  He starts trying to hand me some book and the old lady is trying to grab my arm.  I yelled, "Get the fuck off me!"  Threw my cat back inside, and before I can close the door, that old fart was standing in my thresh hold so I couldn't shut the door.  I told her I was calling the police and she had zero seconds to get out of my apartment or she would be physically removed.  As I was closing (i.e. slamming) the door she said something about praying for my soul.  I got back in bed but I was so pissed off it took me a while to fall back asleep.

My revenge....  Monday afternoon, two days ago, I was riding my motorcycle down Sunset, which is a four lane highway seperated by a grass median.  I was in the left lane of the north-bound side and I saw two young Jehovah's Witnesses riding their bikes in the right lane on the opposite south-bound side.  You could tell them because they had their white button-down short-sleeve collared shirts on and black ties.  They had their backbacks and little dorky helmets on.  All the cars in the right lane were passing them and they kept looking behind them as the were peddaling.  So now they not only annoy people by "witnessing", but now by obstructing traffic.  Enough is enough, time for punishment.  I made a u-turn at the next break in the median and gunned it.  As I was blasting up behind them, I started yelling this crazy war cry, and they turned around and looked at me.  They were standing up as they were peddaling and as I passed the first one, I smacked him in the ass so hard it made my hand sting.  He was yelling something but I couldn't understand.  The second one about 50 feet ahead saw me hit the other guy, and as I got to him my arm was out to smack him too.  He tried to get off the road and into the grass before I could smack him on the ass, but instead he ran his bike into the curb.  He didn't go over the handle bars but instead just hit the curb and fell over, losing his backback.  I sped away laughing like a motherfucker.

Uploaded 09/24/2008
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