Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Crappiness


Wanna hear something sick? We wont be casting presidential votes for almost a year! Yea, and here you thought it was next month because of the amount of insipid political ads. Between Presidential and Midterm elections, this country is perpetually in the midst of an election cycle. I dread the fact that I will be facing another eleven months of this nonsense. I wish that Herman Cain was still in the race so he could release another handful of bizarre commercials.

(Just a quick note about the photo above. Al Gore's expression is priceless. It's like he's saying, "Yea, you can delineate my penis head. What of it?")

Politics brings out the all the weirdos that exist on the outer fringe of society. During the last presidential election, I volunteered to walk door-to-door handing out pamphlets in support of Ron Paul. It was just after New Years 2008, and the high temp that day was nine degrees. One volunteer that I will never forget (though I do forget his name) was an apple farmer from Wisconsin. He was there to not only hand out the literature provided, but also some poorly Xeroxed literature of his own. He had to be told that it would be best if he stuck to handing out the approved pamphlets. Then the insane apple-picker began to disconcertingly inquire if there were any synagogues in the area , and exactly where they were located.trans.gif

The true benchmark of voter dumb-assery are people that choose a candidate because he or she (who are we kidding?) he seems like a guy they could drink a beer with. What!?! Do you think once your man is elected hes going to call you up and send you on an official White House beer-run? NO! Now put your dreams to bed and study the candidates platform issues before you step into that booth come November. You shouldn't vote for a candidate that would never be caught dead catching a buzz with you in the Rose Garden. Instead you should be voting for the candidate that lets you hold onto more of your paycheck so youll have more to spend on beer for yourself.

You know what youll never hear, I like that Mitt Romney. He seems like a guy I could crack a beer with! I, for one, dont trust Mitt Romney. It has nothing to do with the fact that he looks like a Boy Scout that was injected with rapid growth hormonesthat next to him apple pie looks like a communist conspirator. And it has nothing to do with his religious beliefs (well, okay, just one thing about his religious beliefs). Its that fact that I dont trust a man that doesn't drink. G.W. Bush was clean and sober and look what that got us? I dont want a president whos only vice is his running mate. I dont want the incarnation of moderation at this countries helm. I want a man or a woman (Why do I keep doing that? Its silly to even imagine!) a man that enjoys a highball after five bellsand possibly an eight-ball as well.  What do I care? Hes off the clock. I want a president whose red-eyed and pale as a ghost at a morning press conference because he and British PM, David Cameron tied-one-on the night before.

I could never run for president. People that a vying for the highest office in the Nation are forced to walk around with plastered, toothy smiles like a blue suit wearing Stepford Wife. That would never work for me. For one, I would have to change my misanthropic ways, and conceal my underlying animosity for most of the plebeiansah! I mean peopleI would be asking to step into a booth and check the box next to my name. I wouldn't be able to tolerate having to be nice. I fake nice very poorly. And when visiting my parties national convention as a candidate, kissing hands and shaking babies, I would inevitably see those oddball, political zealots that come out of the woodwork every four years. You know who Im talking about. The people who dress ridiculous wearing red, white and blue bedazzled Uncle Sam hats with streamers, pin-wheels, and rose-tinted glasses. I would have to resist the urge to growl, Lady, you look like an idiot! Go home and change then come back and vote for me.

Another thing that would hold a commoner like me back from the highest office is the obvious fact that I dont look or act like the way a president should. The president is the Tyler Durden of the American populace. He is who we all wish to be. America wants a man who has the barrel chest of Jeff Bridges, Robert Downey Jr.s magnetic charm, Cary Grants voice, Paul Newmans arms, and the head of Vic Morrow (err I take that back).

Americans prefer to vote for the candidate who shares their religious views. Just this morning I saw a campaign commercial featuring Rick Perry candidly speaking about his strong Christian beliefs. I have a great problem with that. It shouldn't matter who you kneel to, or if you even kneel at all. Religious proclivities shouldn't matter one iota when selecting a candidate. But, sadly religion plays a part in an elected individuals politics. In my perfect world, religion would be an afterthought

Youre a Unitarian? Good on ya!

A Jew? Mozel tov!

A Mormon? Let me take you and your wives out for a forbidden cup of coffee.

A Hindu? Ya got something on your fore-ah, forget it.

A Snake-handler? Ill grab the gloves.

A Scientologist? May the Lord Xenu bless you and yours also, is John Travolta gay?

A Muslim? (Im sorry. I cant even fathom that one. I swear a woman would stand a better chance! A goddamn woman! Ha! High-five, guys!)

An Atheist? May nothing bless you and yours also, is John Travolta gay?

That last one would be interesting. I advocate that we have an atheist president. Not only that, but make him a self-hating, introverted, atheist president. Hed be a president who never looks anyone in the eyes, gives awkward dead-fish handshakes, and never leaves the White House. Youll only find him suspiciously peering behind closed blinds. He never answers the phone when Germany or France calls. And he spends most of his time on Facebookhe finds it to be a nice social outlet that isn't too intimidating.

In closing, this next year youll find me caucusing in vain. And next November you will find me symbolically throwing my vote away on the obscure Libertarian candidate.

By: Noah Regan
Uploaded 12/13/2011
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